Afterlife Ironicist Gifts

'I realize that this might be carping but I never did live long enough to enjoy my I.R.A. account.'

"Call me?"

'I don't remember predetermining THAT!'

"You run into a window, too?"

"I must have pressed the wrong button."

A car's soul escapes as it expires at the meter.

"Did you really think you were getting in here?"

'I was on my way to Heaven, when they stumbled across my blog...'

"Sorry, there's no toilet paper or hand sanitizer down here."

'Ha! You moron! How did you manage to use all nine of your lives at once?'

"I don't think so."

"I'll have whatever they're having."

"I still hate you."

Special Place in Hell...

"Posthumously yours."

"Johnson's selling ad space in the tunnel of light."

'I really hope that Fred makes the most of it until she joins him for the rest of eternity!'

"I just reviewed your life...Here's your handbasket."

Why it takes longer for lawyers to get in: 'This would go a lot faster if you'd stop saying, 'alleged'...'

"Ready? It's your bloopers tape."

A stranger in paradise.

"Have you been feeling all right, Ed?"

'You ask him to sing. I don't speak Italian.'

"I hear they're desperate for new users."

"...and tell him it's fairly urgent."

Welcome to Heaven

"Wait, there you are. I was spelling it wrong."

Pearly Gates Queue

Tombstone: I told you I was sick!

"Boring up here isn't it...?"

"Nope, wrong password. You've got two more tries..."

Heaven on the Phone to Hell - 'We've got Sky.'

IIt isn't so bad. I feel about how I used to after watching TV all day.'

"I was always afraid to read it before."

I'm afraid of heights.