Afterlife Analyst Gifts

'Maximising shareholder value doesn't count.'

'I thought you did fine, but I'm afraid you didn't test well with the focus group.'

'Hey you! You work here, don't you? You people could be in real trouble with the fire marshal for not having any smoke detectors! I assume they make regular inspections around here?'

"Oh them, They're contrarians."

'Congratulations - here's your black ball, you've been appointed to the membership committee,'

'I was innocent.'

"'Damned if you do, Damned if you don't', … Talk about 'win, win'."

'Well, your morals seem to check out. Now we just need to run your credit report...'

'I could re-design that for you.'

'You certainly lived a remarkable life. Any chance you'll get over yourself?'

Sign in Heaven: BEWARE OF NOTHING

'You're taking my life completely out of context.'

"Did you bring your own lawyer or would you like for us to appoint now."

"No, we don't grant immunity for testifying against other people!"

'The Joy Of Sending People To Hell'.

'How can this be heaven when there's no trees?'

'Well, your morals seem to check out. Now we just need to run your credit report...'

"That's the setup. And the punchline is: 'And then they die!'"

'Five minutes, Jean-Paul.'

Heaven's gate with sign reading 'vaccine card and face mask required for entry'.

"I'm betting you don't buy that eye of a needle crap..."

"Are you sure these comment cards are anonymous?"

"He really isn't bad, per se, but he is kind of a jerk."

Damned if you do...

"A counter offer? Really, sir?"

"Before you come in could we have some feedback on your death experience?"

"You didn't fill out our customer survey."

"You think this is hot? You shoulda been here in the summer of nineteen-ought-six! That was a hot one! Yes, sir-ee...!"

'Henry was really counting on dying.'

'Stocks plummeted on news of your demise.'

'They just want to make sure no one takes anything with them.'

'Doctor Norton was your doctor too?'

Devil standing by entrance to heaven, with caption 'Buy any spare tickets...'

'We may have to lower our standards.'

....Today the new economic forecasts get published...and that means we have to work overtime...sorry.