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Welcome to Ask Sadie. You're on, Vancouver. What's your problem? I met this really cool guy who makes my toes go numb

Squeezing the Free Press.

It soon became apparent that the vicar was an undercover journalist.

News: Deaths! Deaths! Deaths!

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

The writer: something who devotes a lifetime of solitude to the same of communication.

'Maybe fruit flies don't have souls.'

University Cafeteria. The first semester of college is tough. I'm not taking geography because I couldn't find the classroom on the map. I'm way behind on my archeology assignments. I'm buried and need to dig my way out. And everybody in political science lies and cheats to get ahead. How are you doing in statistics? I think I'm doing very well! My test scores are hugely below the class median. I should probably learn what that means.

'I suppose that's where things get ironed out.'

'You've been killing files again.'

The Adventures of Tom Friedman, Boy Reporter

Quadruple dark hot chocolate. Whoa, everything all right? Sure, yeah, great. I'm a journalist and writer in an era in which the printed word has been totally devalued by free distribution of information on the internet. Can I pay in prose? Point taken.

Bernard Levin

The Original Gossip Columns

Four years ago during a special episode of the Ask Sadie™ Show, our resident octogenarian asked listeners for advice about how she can deal with her midlife crisis. Dear Sadie, I was going to suggest you start a YouTube channel to share your advice with younger people. But YouTube just stabbed its content creators in the back. They stopped showing ads on videos discussing anything even remotely controversial. That's going to put so many important voices out of business. So I don't really have an

Cops' Right to Beat You in Private Shall Not Be Infringed

Ask Sadie. Dear Sadie, I am 62 years old and was fired from my job of 22 years just before xmas 2010. What should I do? Sincerely, Irene. Attack! Stop! Enough, Sadie. Haven't you been listening? The mean-spirited, virulent partisanship of talk show hosts must end. People were hurt and some died. Aren't you the ultimate partisan, you coot? That's different lady! Fasten your seatbelts.

'Instead of nagging you, Walter, I've decided to write a syndicated column!'

Will Self deprecation

The Daily Fury

"Wait a minute. Where am I going? I'm a writer."

'Ed' 'Op-ed'

'This week's column is going to be about Writer's Block, and it's...'

"Get me some valium please, Miss Minster - I've just been stranded in the lift with the agony aunt!"

George Will

You could have saved yourself a lot of time my reading my syndicated advice column.

Journalist in charge of gardening column has dead plant.

Ask Sadie. Actual questions from actual readers! Send your questions to asksadie@rudypark.com. Dear Ask Sadie, My mom is always nagging me to clean my room. I don't see why I should have to. I like it the way it is. I don't nag at her for having a clean room, because I know that's how she likes it. How can I get her to just let me be me? - Unhappy at Home. Excellent question. The thing is, it's your mother's job to shape you into a respectable person. If you think "being you" includes being dirt

It's the Ask Sadie Advice Hour. "Batfan" in Dallas, you're on. What's your problem?! House of Java Cybercafe. My girlfriend is refusing to go see "Justice League" because she things Marvel's take on the genre is the only way to do it. How do I get her to be more open-minded and tolerant? You don't! Just become less open-minded yourself. You can't change other people, you can only seek vengeance upon them. Um ... Do you happen to have Doctor Phil's number?

The writer: something who devotes a lifetime of solitude to the same of communication.

I don't need to know any math --- I'm going to be a politician.

'And this is Paul, who writes our 'Voice of Sanity' column.'

'Not a problem. Our industry is self-regulated. In fact, I'm scheduled to jump off the roof right after this meeting.'

Ask Sadie. Actual questions from actual readers! Dear Sadie, when are you going to spend a few bucks and get a read hairdo? That sorry hairdo you sport makes you look like an exotic parrot. You look like you should be sitting on a pirate's shoulder. - Redheadboy. My initial response might sound like a non sequitor: During the Hoover years, I dated someone in the FBI. I've continued my ties with the agency. I mentioned this insulting @#$% letter to my contact there and: What do you know?! He was

Pot and Kettle