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"Use Kivimo for ten days. If not completely satisfied,you have a very negative personality."

"And just like that, e got rid of Florida."

"And when the canyon fills up, that's it; herd immunity."

'The History Channel is all reruns.'

"Now, how can I be of assistance?"

'AT&T? I'm letting you go. I'm down-sizing too!'

'I've decided to step down as your CEO in order to spend more time in jail...'

reincarnated worm...

"If we only used bigger clubs we would defeat our enemies every time, and we would dominate them forever!"

The height of fashion in 1796

Needed Inventions: An Airbag To Protect The Viewer Against A Really Lousy Program.

"Let's say you've always wanted to make someone a mixtape to show them how much you care about them. What's the best order? Do you start with songs about how rich you are before moving on to the songs about love? Or vice versa?. . .What order would best simulate sincerity?"

"Really? They're now giving out non-participation trophies?"

"I don't like the looks of that!"

"We don't care about his nose. We won't let him play because he's not vaccinated and won't wear a mask!"

"In the event of an actual S.E.C. investigation, legal representation will drop from the ceiling."

'The world already ended, but the government hushed it up.'

"The document states that you've been left your mother's jowls and upper arm flab."

"We're suing you under equal opportunities legislation for failure to represent our rights"

'Negotiations have reached an impasse, legal recommends we resort to violence.'

'Recent studies in primate colonies suggest that organizational performance can be improved by replacing complicated financial incentives with bananas.'

'You earned this corner office by cutting corners...'

'-and you're living proof that ALL men are not born equal, runt!'

Introducing... The Everything Else Morning-After Pill!

Meat Grinder

"Mom, does the Russian borscht you made for dinner give me foreign-policy experience?"

'Okay, found you. Now let's open the 'Review' link...'