Workplace Wit Seeker Gifts

'Good work, sales up 30% on last month.' - 'You know very well I was on holiday.'

You'll get a company car, but gasoline, parking and tolls will be out-of-pouch expenses.

'Leave my biscuit in my in-tray. I'll deal with it in the morning.'

"This position has become very important to the company."

I'm a self-made man!

'How would you feel about working in a small pond?'

'You'll get five paid sick days, plus an additional two when you're shedding your skin.'

"A one-word email reply... classic power move."

How are you at decision making?

Presentation: Thinking each other are idiots.

'We'd like to pay you what you're worth, too, Fenstrom. Unfortunately we must conform to the minimum wage law.'

"You're hired. Now, I'll show you your desk, the break room, and the dented wall you're allowed to beat your head against."

'Once, long ago, I thought I was wrong...but it turned out I was mistaken.'

"Your credentials are impressive, Carter but... quite frankly, Mr. Biggles doesn't seem to like you."

'No, this metal stress can't be fixed with liberal doses of antidepressants.'

"Damn it,Frank,if I can't bully my staff, who can I bully?"

"Pendleton will stay afloat no matter what!"

'I don't like to brag, but I'm the guy who coined the phrase, 'Honey, I'm Home'.'

"Miss Jones, bring me into the 21st century..."

"No more thinking outside the box Bamford. From now on I want you to do all your thinking inside your box!"

'Please Henderson - Not another one of your bright ideas!'

"Gosh, 'inept' seems so harsh. Personally, I prefer the term 'productivity-challenged!'"

'I'm working with a bunch of cavemen.'

'Where's the fun in being an employer if you can't spontaneously sack someone anymore.'

"Effective leadership is more than just telling everybody to be like you!"

'I see you have extensive experience eating, sleeping, and mating. That puts you two steps ahead of all the college graduates who have applied.'

"I missed your last few words. Would you please mumble them again?"

"I know you used to be our paperboy. That's why when you leave, you'll find your resume on the roof."

'I'm not saying he's going to chew you out, but he skipped breakfast and lunch.'

'Your bonus as promised.'

Graph to find your IQ

If your ideas are 10% inspiration and 90% perspiration...

'We don't have an opening at the moment, but if you'll wait one minute...'

"You're late, Myers!"

Punch Drunk