Workplace Conflict Pillows

"His words, not mine."

"So what kind of mood is he in?"

"They decided giving out pink slips was too impersonal. So now they're blue."

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

"You will bargain away what little integrity you have left for what little job security you can gain."

'I like people.. but not a whole lot.'

"I'm a bit concerned the staff don't respect me, they've given me a nickname."

"Rumour has it that you're after my job."

"A raise? Unlimited free refills aren't enough for you?"

"Is that legal? Can the old man force me to take a performance-enhancing drug."

'So this is the company's new mission statement.'

'Contested elections for managing partner are always going to cause a bit of upset.'

"Before we begin, we'd like to remind you that we're an employee owned company."

'How can they call it a shared sacrifice in this bad economy...when your pay cut was 10% and mine, 25%?!'

'I'm not saying he's going to chew you out, but he skipped breakfast and lunch.'

'Haven't they found you a chair, yet Cludmore?'

That's the chairman's office.

Team Building Exercises

Unfortunately, Lyle had already sent nasty e-mails to his boss, three vice-presidents and the CEO.

A case of runaway forklift Doctor. Do we offer him any compensation?

"Alright, fire me. But I'm taking back your "World's Greatest Boss" coffee mug!"

"Under our new definition of 'what is a sale?', he hasn't made any this year."

"Your employees have lost faith in your ability to pretend to care about them."

"Our policy regarding paid vacations is - if you take a vacation, you'll pay for it."

'I'll take that as a screwed up ball of paper bouncing off my head then?'

'It's important to be able to express anger, Winthrop, but not in my presence.'

'You can't cash your paychecks until your 6 month probation is satisfactorily over.'

'I don't like your attitude, Peterson, whatever it is.'

'I just wanted to slip in and say hi.'

'Bernice . . . could you come in here please? Bring a can of hairspray and a cigarette lighter!'

'You're the very first employee to register your complaint via my 'open door' policy.'

'Nothing cements the relationship like the chance to get it in writing.'

"No, we don't have a pension plan. We don't expect our employees to ever retire."

'I am sure you will enjoy working here until your inevitable layoff.'

The Shepherd's Staff. . .