Office Conflict Pillows

'Boy, it really frosts me when they manage to sneak in the last word right after I push the button!'

"Hiring someone to replace me and then expecting me to train him just doesn't sit well with me."

'I'll review your salary next spring.'

'Ms. Hatton, take a letter, a number and a hike...'

Bureau of the Damned

"Ha! Today we informed the boss about our rights!"

'Not my short list, O'Neil! You're on my other list!

'Closing the letter with 'Very fondly yours' seems okay but let's run it by legal, to be sure it cannot be misinterpreted as sexual harassment.'

'How are we spelling Dear?'

"Appointments. Disappointments."

"To avoid trouble, I've brought in a troubleshooter."

"Haaaaah. . . . Back to the office. Better put on my happy face. . ."

"Cynthia, please disambiguate this suite of objectives, cherry-pick anything that's actionable and Nascar it through a dialed-back event horizon."

"His words, not mine."

Company Performance - Bonus Scheme

'I didn't spend $49.95 on this answering machine to have you just hang up so leave a message!'

"The boss complimented Bob today... but now he's afraid if he talks to him again he'll say something stupid and ruin it!"

"And yet that's exactly what I'd like to be doing."

"It's vitally important to me that we beat the other elevator."

"I can't decide which one of you should get the promotion, so I'm setting up a boxing match between you two to decide."

"What do you mean: 'You don't believe that this is my answerphone'? Do you think I'd lie?"

Linda sets a pick, allowing Dave a clear path to the last doughnut.

These were Bob's colleagues, all right, but clearly they hadn't received Funny Fred's global email.

"We'd like to switch you from working under the radar to living off the grid."

"Wider."

"I'm married to my job, and you wouldn't believe the domestic abuse!"

Let's save money on consultants, committeees and admin, and give it to the travel agents. Leave it with me and I'll run it past the think tank.

"When I said 'any questions?' I was using only a figure of speech."

"Hope you don't mind - I've brought in a body-language interpreter."

"In accordance with the by-laws of this corporation, you get all the milk you want but only two cookies each."

'Am I biased or are my ideas always best?'

'If you've got a minute, Bob, I'd like you to meet our new director of human resources!'

'It's always the same. I talk to sales, I talk to marketing, but nobody talks.'

"You're looking sharp today, Appleby."

Signing your opinions was the type of fearless, bold and honest act that would destroy this company. You're fired.