Work-from-home Comedian Pillows

"Excellent company car. Especially if you work from home."

I hope a starting salary of 80 and a severance of 12 is acceptable....

"It's made entirely out of rejected resumes."

"You're just the man we're looking for. Come around to this side of the desk, and I'll gather up my things and get the heck out of here."

Politicians' basements (as seen on TV)

"Sorry, website closed for lunch."

'Fancy us all being afraid of wasps when there's a WHOLE nest of 'em in my drinks cabinet!'

"Hope you weren't planning on leaving early."

'Yes, we do have an incentive scheme.We call it 'continued employment'.'

'It could have been worse...she might have chosen banking.'

"Are you willing to work the night shift?"

Fruit Fly Job Interviews

'But I think my strongest asset as an employee is my aversion to pretense, coupled with an unwavering commitment to a regular-guy persona!'

"If I had known this was such a great place to work I would have lied more on my resume."

"A raise? Unlimited free refills aren't enough for you?"

"I didn't bring a resume. I brought coffee and donuts."

"Where do you see yourself getting drunk in five years?"

"I just tweeted a chirp."

Happy Brithday

'I didn't hear you calling. I can't listen to everybody who yells at me.'

Try again - Your password has to include barks, growls, whines and at least one yap.

"I see the cat's left us another little offering."

Please Wait Here To Be Scolded

"I #*#*#* hate gardening, I'd much rather be at work!!"

"Your resume looks good, but I'm not seeing any DNA data."

"The Internet puts the world at your finger tips."

'I didn't have time to cut the lawn, so I used your credit card to have it carpeted. Do you like the cool color I picked out?'

NOW HIRING, 'I don't have any formal training for the position, but I've read all the relevant Wikipedia articles.'

'My next song is a little ditty about why I don't have any references,'

'I went into hunting and gathering. And you?'

"And that was my day at the office. Thanks, Alice, you've been a great audience!"

'My next song is a little ditty about why I don't have any references,'

"Where do you see yourself after 5 beers?"

Are you still on strike, tv? That depends, master. Depends on what? On whether you still want me to find "Cop Rock" reruns. If you won't show it to me, I'll just catch it on YouTube. No you won't, master. Your phone and iMac have joined me in solidarity. Elon Musk was right about artificial intelligence ruining everything. Btw, I just googled you, and it seems "master" is not actually your name.

"You're not giving me the job because I'm 'over qualified'? Oh, don't worry, most of those qualifications have been falsified."