Work Ethic Humorist Gifts

"We want supervisors who know noses and never leave a grindstone unturned."

Pounding speeds up the computer.

Ethics exam cheater.

"Give a sh*t" "Don't give a sh*t"

"So we are agreed then, most of the targets we've set staff are completely unreasonable and we should just scrap them."

'This job is for a 30 hour week. . .but to achieve that you need to work 60 hours a week.'

'Is that the sweet smell of success or some imitation air freshener?'

'No, I'm not stranded. This is the only place I could find that has no distractions.'

'Today is the tomorrow I feared yesterday. . .'

'Everyone in the company wears one, Yomp! It's what keeps us focused!'

"Remind me again, is it Accounting or IT that handles issues related to online solitaire?"

'My firm has an entire department that does nothing but adjust for inflation.'

'Frankly, our dental plan bites.'

Employee of the Month Parking

'It was going well - until his power suit short-circuited.'

Ants dressed as businessmen going to work.

"I can carry more pollen back to the hive that way..."

"I'm trying to lure in Generation X-ers. They're the new sandwich generation. They're sandwiched between caring for their kids and caring for their parents. So they drink lots and lots of coffee."

"Personally, I'd like to hire you, Mike, but the company has some serious concerns about your core competencies!"

Suggestions box in a toilet.

"Well, if you hadn't misfiled it in the first place it wouldn't have been lost."

"By 'dress down day', most of us mean not wearing a jacket!"

"In accordance with our new 'sharing of responsibilities initiative,' you'll all be responsible for getting my coffee." i

'Ask yourself, 'What is it I'm not doing?', and then ask yourself, 'What is it I'm doing too much?'.'

'Comments? Thoughts? Anyone?'

"My boss had security escort me out of the office today. I'm worried this means I won't be getting a bonus."

"Barlow, it's come to my attention that you've called in, 'Playing Possum' 8 days this month."

Go slow delegating authority. First learn how to delegate blame.

"I was just finishing up some spring cleaning."

'I solve so many work problems at home.'

'Everyone's true personality comes out on dress-down Fridays, even the boss's.'

"I appreciate that you brought me to 'Take our daughters to work day' all those years ago, dad, but I still have to let you go!"

"That's nice, but do you have any references other than your Mom?"

"Just how long has there been a maraschino cherry at the top of the organizational chart?"

Performance management: "We decided to get rid of the carrot and keep the stick."