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Irritable Vowel Syndrom

"Can I borrow the car keys?"

"Staff support"

"Ironically, this is the living room."

"That's the guy I hired to read Proust for me."

Zombie standup

"Together ideas for couples" "Slap a sandwich together" "Put two and two together" "Pull themselves together" "Rub two sticks together" "Try to hold it together" "String a phrase together"

If you bathe a skunk in tomato juice, it will smell like a dog. A bird in the hand is better than two in your shorts. Never wear aqua after Thanksgiving. Unconventional wisdom.

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

"I said the males were 'evolving' – I didn't say they were 'maturing.'"

'You've got bats alright...now we'll just have to determine what kind.'

Guy at drink stand says to Medium: 'Medium?'

'I'll have the crab cake, and he'll have the crabby cake.'

"I don't want to fork. I just want to spoon."

"It's OK, I'm preordained."

This is Lenny the leopard with the on-the-spot news.

Boneheads! I never said I was bringing ten condiments!

'I can't force jocose if I'm not feeling it.'

"He's taken buzzed to a whole new level."

"Monsieur, si vous plaît. I'm sure I ordered the fusilli and not the Fusilier."

'Oh man I've got a splitting headache.'

It's not because I'm nervous. The reason I'm not eating is because I really do have butterflies in my stomach.

To no ones surprise, they ran head-on into one another. (All couples are wearing teachers reading 'I'm with Stupid'.)

Backfire

"That's it. We’re toast."

I'm allergic to parrots, so I got an aaaarrrrdvark.

"Are your eel rolls electric?"

Shakespeare does stand-up comedy in the round.

"It's not a party until someone gets plowed."

"Has anyone seen the dog?"

"Counsel for prose is overruled. Poetry, you may continue."

"Objection, Your Honor! Alleged killer whale."

Molecules You Ought to be Aware of.

Medical Building Directory: Dr. Larry Nix, Dr. Sally Putty, etc..