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Irritable Vowel Syndrom

"Can I borrow the car keys?"

"Staff support"

"Ironically, this is the living room."

"That's the guy I hired to read Proust for me."

Zombie standup

"Together ideas for couples" "Slap a sandwich together" "Put two and two together" "Pull themselves together" "Rub two sticks together" "Try to hold it together" "String a phrase together"

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

"I said the males were 'evolving' – I didn't say they were 'maturing.'"

'I'll have the crab cake, and he'll have the crabby cake.'

'You've got bats alright...now we'll just have to determine what kind.'

Guy at drink stand says to Medium: 'Medium?'

"It's OK, I'm preordained."

"Monsieur, si vous plaît. I'm sure I ordered the fusilli and not the Fusilier."

'I can't force jocose if I'm not feeling it.'

"I don't want to fork. I just want to spoon."

This is Lenny the leopard with the on-the-spot news.

"He's taken buzzed to a whole new level."

'Oh man I've got a splitting headache.'

It's not because I'm nervous. The reason I'm not eating is because I really do have butterflies in my stomach.

To no ones surprise, they ran head-on into one another. (All couples are wearing teachers reading 'I'm with Stupid'.)

Backfire

"Counsel for prose is overruled. Poetry, you may continue."

"That's it. We’re toast."

"Has anyone seen the dog?"

"It's not a party until someone gets plowed."

I'm allergic to parrots, so I got an aaaarrrrdvark.

"Are your eel rolls electric?"

Shakespeare does stand-up comedy in the round.

"Objection, Your Honor! Alleged killer whale."

Molecules You Ought to be Aware of.

"The new chairman has dropped the brain-storming meetings."

Medical Building Directory: Dr. Larry Nix, Dr. Sally Putty, etc..