Wordplay Whizzes Gifts

God, I hate Wednesdays. Hump Day Dumpty.

Auto Assembly. Ernie, I think they fired you because you were assigned to the assembly line but ere often at the high-speed test facility. I'm ambitious. I wanted to be on the fast track. Why did you remove brakes from cars? An article I read said that to achieve success you should "pull out all the stops." And I unnecessarily drove cars around the plant to show the bosses that I'm willing to "go the extra mile." But why did you refuse to deliver components to the assembly line? The arti

'Actually, we're members of a mountain climbing club named for Sir Edmund Hillary.'

"Look's like a dummy run to me!"

"The leadership team wants a catchy acronym for a new social media app they're calling Functional Applied Relationship Tracker. Any suggestions?"

"Can I borrow the car keys?"

"Staff support"

"That's the guy I hired to read Proust for me."

"Ironically, this is the living room."

Copycats

Zombie standup

"Together ideas for couples" "Slap a sandwich together" "Put two and two together" "Pull themselves together" "Rub two sticks together" "Try to hold it together" "String a phrase together"

Today we'll see some misused or misunderstood financial and economic terms. It's said inflation can hurt the economy. But it's absolutely in the tire business. I bought this warm puffy jacket with cash. A down payment. We like beer and coffee. Our most valuable liquid assets. In a monopoly breakup, the race car would to go one person and the dog to another. And when I become either a buyer or a seller. He's shorting the market!

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

"I said the males were 'evolving' – I didn't say they were 'maturing.'"

"It does have a side effect. You'll faint when I tell you how much it will cost to produce."

'You've got bats alright...now we'll just have to determine what kind.'

"Another dry scotch Manhattan, Mike. Make it a double."

Guy at drink stand says to Medium: 'Medium?'

"Whenever he shows up everything turns to crap!"

'I'll have the crab cake, and he'll have the crabby cake.'

"And isn't it time we replaced the worn-out, meaningless cliches in our mission statement with some dazzlingly new meaningless cliches?"

Smart Ass - Wise Ass

"I don't want to fork. I just want to spoon."

'I can't force jocose if I'm not feeling it.'

"It's OK, I'm preordained."

"Monsieur, si vous plaît. I'm sure I ordered the fusilli and not the Fusilier."

"He's taken buzzed to a whole new level."

This is Lenny the leopard with the on-the-spot news.

Boneheads! I never said I was bringing ten condiments!

Wolf Danny With "Random""The work must be tantamount to mayhem. Making an insatiable public confused, indifferent, annoyed—this is the premise on which rests my deliberately vacuous oeuvre."

"So, what brings you in today, Mr. Brooks? High anxiety again?"

'Oh man I've got a splitting headache.'

It's not because I'm nervous. The reason I'm not eating is because I really do have butterflies in my stomach.