Wordplay Jester Pillows

"The leadership team wants a catchy acronym for a new social media app they're calling Functional Applied Relationship Tracker. Any suggestions?"

"Can I borrow the car keys?"

"Staff support"

"Ironically, this is the living room."

"That's the guy I hired to read Proust for me."

Copycats

"Together ideas for couples" "Slap a sandwich together" "Put two and two together" "Pull themselves together" "Rub two sticks together" "Try to hold it together" "String a phrase together"

Zombie standup

"I said the males were 'evolving' – I didn't say they were 'maturing.'"

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

"It does have a side effect. You'll faint when I tell you how much it will cost to produce."

"Whenever he shows up everything turns to crap!"

"And isn't it time we replaced the worn-out, meaningless cliches in our mission statement with some dazzlingly new meaningless cliches?"

"Another dry scotch Manhattan, Mike. Make it a double."

'You've got bats alright...now we'll just have to determine what kind.'

Guy at drink stand says to Medium: 'Medium?'

'I'll have the crab cake, and he'll have the crabby cake.'

Smart Ass - Wise Ass

"I don't want to fork. I just want to spoon."

'I can't force jocose if I'm not feeling it.'

"It's OK, I'm preordained."

"Monsieur, si vous plaît. I'm sure I ordered the fusilli and not the Fusilier."

This is Lenny the leopard with the on-the-spot news.

"He's taken buzzed to a whole new level."

Wolf Danny With "Random""The work must be tantamount to mayhem. Making an insatiable public confused, indifferent, annoyed—this is the premise on which rests my deliberately vacuous oeuvre."

"So, what brings you in today, Mr. Brooks? High anxiety again?"

'Oh man I've got a splitting headache.'

It's not because I'm nervous. The reason I'm not eating is because I really do have butterflies in my stomach.

QUINTUPLE BYPASSES EXPLAINED.

To no ones surprise, they ran head-on into one another. (All couples are wearing teachers reading 'I'm with Stupid'.)

'Do you have any catsup?'

"Excuse me, I'm here to do some sole searching."