Wordplay Jester Pillows

"Caroline won't be in today, she's feeling a little seedy."

"The leadership team wants a catchy acronym for a new social media app they're calling Functional Applied Relationship Tracker. Any suggestions?"

"Can I borrow the car keys?"

"Ironically, this is the living room."

"Staff support"

"That's the guy I hired to read Proust for me."

Copycats

Zombie standup

"Together ideas for couples" "Slap a sandwich together" "Put two and two together" "Pull themselves together" "Rub two sticks together" "Try to hold it together" "String a phrase together"

"I said the males were 'evolving' – I didn't say they were 'maturing.'"

Today we'll see some misused or misunderstood financial and economic terms. It's said inflation can hurt the economy. But it's absolutely in the tire business. I bought this warm puffy jacket with cash. A down payment. We like beer and coffee. Our most valuable liquid assets. In a monopoly breakup, the race car would to go one person and the dog to another. And when I become either a buyer or a seller. He's shorting the market!

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

"It does have a side effect. You'll faint when I tell you how much it will cost to produce."

"Another dry scotch Manhattan, Mike. Make it a double."

'You've got bats alright...now we'll just have to determine what kind.'

"Whenever he shows up everything turns to crap!"

'I'll have the crab cake, and he'll have the crabby cake.'

"And isn't it time we replaced the worn-out, meaningless cliches in our mission statement with some dazzlingly new meaningless cliches?"

Guy at drink stand says to Medium: 'Medium?'

Smart Ass - Wise Ass

Wolf Danny With "Random""The work must be tantamount to mayhem. Making an insatiable public confused, indifferent, annoyed—this is the premise on which rests my deliberately vacuous oeuvre."

"So, what brings you in today, Mr. Brooks? High anxiety again?"

Boneheads! I never said I was bringing ten condiments!

This is Lenny the leopard with the on-the-spot news.

'I can't force jocose if I'm not feeling it.'

"I don't want to fork. I just want to spoon."

"It's OK, I'm preordained."

"Monsieur, si vous plaît. I'm sure I ordered the fusilli and not the Fusilier."

"He's taken buzzed to a whole new level."

'Oh man I've got a splitting headache.'

It's not because I'm nervous. The reason I'm not eating is because I really do have butterflies in my stomach.

To no ones surprise, they ran head-on into one another. (All couples are wearing teachers reading 'I'm with Stupid'.)

QUINTUPLE BYPASSES EXPLAINED.

'Do you have any catsup?'