Wordplay Detective Gifts

"This is such a bullshit meeting. We all know it'll end up being a triangle formation."

"Can I borrow the car keys?"

"That's the guy I hired to read Proust for me."

"Ironically, this is the living room."

"Staff support"

"My dad says we eat honey 'cause it has lots of vitamin Bee."

"Together ideas for couples" "Slap a sandwich together" "Put two and two together" "Pull themselves together" "Rub two sticks together" "Try to hold it together" "String a phrase together"

Zombie standup

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

"I said the males were 'evolving' – I didn't say they were 'maturing.'"

"Whenever he shows up everything turns to crap!"

'I'll have the crab cake, and he'll have the crabby cake.'

'You've got bats alright...now we'll just have to determine what kind.'

Guy at drink stand says to Medium: 'Medium?'

"I don't want to fork. I just want to spoon."

"He's taken buzzed to a whole new level."

"Monsieur, si vous plaît. I'm sure I ordered the fusilli and not the Fusilier."

This is Lenny the leopard with the on-the-spot news.

"It's OK, I'm preordained."

Boneheads! I never said I was bringing ten condiments!

'I can't force jocose if I'm not feeling it.'

Wolf Danny With "Random""The work must be tantamount to mayhem. Making an insatiable public confused, indifferent, annoyed—this is the premise on which rests my deliberately vacuous oeuvre."

'Oh man I've got a splitting headache.'

It's not because I'm nervous. The reason I'm not eating is because I really do have butterflies in my stomach.

To no ones surprise, they ran head-on into one another. (All couples are wearing teachers reading 'I'm with Stupid'.)

Shakespeare does stand-up comedy in the round.

"Has anyone seen the dog?"

"That's it. We’re toast."

"Counsel for prose is overruled. Poetry, you may continue."

I'm allergic to parrots, so I got an aaaarrrrdvark.

Backfire

"Would you relax? All you guys are so tense. I just wanted to tell you to your face how enigmatic I find you."

"Are your eel rolls electric?"

"It's not a party until someone gets plowed."