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'...Or does it go 'measure twice and cut once'?'

'It's OK, we're letting the lumber age.'

"I haven't a clue what it does, but I don't know how I managed without it."

'I've got some good news and some bad news. The bad news is Wally fell into the sanding machine. The good news is he's nice and smooth.'

'Sander's a bit high isn't it?'

Trees With Sign Unfinished Furniture.

'... Of course it's expensive. It doesn't grow on trees you know!'

'He's a visionary.'

'Chuck me.'

'It's not finished yet. It's still got to be painted.'

'No, I said 'orse. Big wooden 'orse!'

"One way to prevent chatter is to alter your speed. Those RPMs are far too high for that size job." "Earplugs, another good way to stop the chatter."

'I just don't understand what the big deal is about kiln dried lumber.'

"That sliver has really taken root. You'll need to see an arborist."

Whittlers Mother

George was a bit intimidated by his IKEA self-assembly wardrobe.

"Most projects require three hands."

'It's always the same design. I wish he'd get a more imaginative set of house plans.'

Hammer and chisel discussing what they've been doing, chisel says; 'Oh you know, getting into a few scrapes.'

"OK, now I want everybody to put their hands together and make something with tools!"

'I need just a hair cut off this.'

Nick Offerman

'No, Joseph didn't make the crib, it was a flat pack!'

"When you said we were doing some DIY, I thought you were making a coffee table."

Whittling a forget-me-not moose for the one you adore...

Woodworkers Club Meeting, Room 23. Splinter Group, Room 24.

'All right, Pal, gimme all the money or I'll open up this biefcase!'

Kid with messed up project in Wood Shop, titled: 'Wouldn't Shop'

"What sick person would chop your mom not pieces and make you wear her?"

Optical illusion.

Cut out and keep your own D.I.Y expert.

Oh, good - Looks like the doctor's in.

'You constructed a beautiful work table. You're a talented woodworking legend in your own life.'

'Remember, I deduct one grade point for every splinter.'

'As yet another plane falls out of the sky, we ask, 'what the hell's going on?!?'..'