Witty Retorter Fan T-Shirts

This beer has given me the courage to invite you back to my place. This wine has given me the courage to invite you to drop dead.

"How can you be out of wings?"

'A cheeky red?'

"Remember back in the day when I was a real heartbreaker?" "Riiight... now the only thing you break is wind."

"Now there's something you don't see everyday. How long have you been using dachshunds as sled dogs.?"

"Whose the new guy?"

"What's a nice girl like you doing in a bubble like this?"

"Sadie, I just heard they discovered lots of ancient cities buried hundreds of years ago in the jungles of Cambodia. They've each got weird geometric patterns outlining what may have been gardens. But no one really knows what they were used for. I guess what I'm asking you is... what were they used for? Y'know, since you were there to see them in their prime. They were used for ritual sacrifices of dullards. For educational purposes, I shall now perform one."

'Talking of of big tops have you seen the new barmaid at the Green Dragon?'

"Remember - you have sharp teeth and claws, but he has sarcasm."

'I'd like an 'Innuendo' please - a big one.'

"O.K., your mouth may be clean but I'll bet your mind is filthy."

'Nobody goes there any more.' - 'It's too crowded.'

"Yes, mother, I'm recharging."

"Is there a humorist in the house?"

'I object to the prosecution calling my client a liar. The witness is merely fact-based reality challenged.'

David Letterman

'Of course you can stay the night-what d'you fancy-on top or underneath?'

'Today is. . . Tuesday! We are going. . . on a picnic. . . I am. . . an idiot.'

"With the pretzels I recommend a hearty burgundy, with the goldfish a blanc de blancs."

Sheet Music

"I try to keep my coffee buzz going till the Martini buzz kicks in."

"I'm interested in the debt consolidation package your bank has been advertising...."

"Look, honey, they're erecting a statue of you in the park—oh, now they're taking it down."

'Yes, they are all my own teeth, it's my head that's false...'

Acme Stupidity Insurance. It's an idea whose time has come.

Mistresses and Servants

King vs King- who's the clown?

Penny for the Guy

"That is not what I call casual sex, Jennifer...I'm exhausted."

Carrie used sunscreen but it didn't completely block all the Rays. 'Hey, baby...Name's Raymond.What's yours?'

Businessman: 'I'm only paid enough to think inside the box.'

'That's nothing -- I'm serving THREE sentences concurrently!'

'If I fall asleep and my team scores, please fist bump a member of the hired help for me.'

The Awful Lawfuls Chapter 5