Witty Patients Pillows

'You don't need to worry about your records being sold to the highest bidder...they'll bugger it and sell them off cheap!'

'What you seem to be suffering from is longevity.'

'Do you have to use that? -- tongue depressors make me hungry.'

'Thanks, but I don't expect you to chew my food for me.'

'Harvey does all his own 'get well' cards.'

'Good news! Throwing yourself at the mercy of the cholesterol seems to have worked.'

'My doctor told me avoid any unnecessary stress, so I didn't visit him today.'

'You don't have a heart murmur, but your liver is muttering.'

"I don't think the crackling sound coming from your lower back is as serious as you thought. Just relax and I'll have this Rice Krispie Square out of your back pocket in no time."

'The tests indicate you've been exposed to a new idea.'

"Good news, Mr. Pickett—it's just a slow leak."

"And then bear left at the war memorial, first right down Newton road and St Luke's is straight ahead."

'Can you give me a few minutes, Waiter? I can't run on a full stomach.'

"Old Mrs. Cranshaw is next, Doctor. Better put on your white jacket."

Give it to me straight, Doc — what's the bottom line?

"My Doctor said I needed more exercise so I jogged down to the donut shop."

'What do you mean, I get a reprieve from my wife's cooking? My wife is a cook here at the hospital.'

Neuro Surgery. Staff only. Sorry, that took longer than I expected --- He has a lot of nerve!

"It's a simple stress test - I do your blood work, send it to the lab, and never get back to you with the results."

'Regarding the surgery you just had - I hope you have a good sense of humour.'

"I see there's been an improvement in your athlete's foot."

Hearse on an emergency

"It's from the hospital. They write that the warranty on your heart expires next Thursday. They wish you a hearty farewell!"

Surgery.

'I say Madam, I prefer my soup bald!' (Victor Hugo, Notre-Dame de Paris)

'Very funny!'

Man sitting in hospital bed notices a Goldfish swimming in his Intravenous Bag.

"We have to stop meeting this way, Allison!"

"Yesss, I've cured many cases of hypochondria with a hypodermic."

"The bad news is you do have a lump the size of a golf ball. The good news is my tests indicate it's just a golf ball."

"You're in luck. My speciality is symptoms that are just crazy."

'There's one other thing. Your Aunt left you this, it's a nasty aftertaste.'

"Tell the doctor I no longer have the chills. I knitted this entire sweater in the waiting room."

"Hang on a minute Doc, I've got another 8 minutes left...Did you see Eastenders last night?"

'Nurse we only kiss nighty night in the childrens' ward.'