Will Planner Pillows

Mort dear I've written a living will. I've decided I won't be kept alive. Really. I just realized I can't be lying there vulnerable. I'm impressed. How introspective. Yeah, I'd be totally unable to make fun of Rudy. Pardon? These taunts are to be used after my death. Rudy, the iPads up here are amazing.

'Please tell me you're baby sitting?'

'For your information, I am engaging the energy of change and complexity to create the future I desire.'

"We only got six days of funding."

Pipe Dream.

"Work hard. Save money. Work hard. Save money. Work hard. Save money. Work hard. Save money. Yay!!! I died rich!"

'I work two jobs and have three kids. At the end of the day I am exhausted. Do you have anything that is not sexy and just smells good.'

"Some day, son, all this will be your ex-wife's."

Man dreams of romance whilst a woman dreams of romance and babies.

"Where would you see yourself in five years' time?"

"For heaven's sake, Ogden, it's vacation time! Must you make your little lists even on vacation time?"

"No, the cordless embryo isn't available."

"Doing your homework may lead to a job that has homework."

"Three more years of high school."

Road Forks in the Road: No Way and Yes Way.

"When I grow up, I want to go into medicine and help people who can pay out of pocket."

Cat and dog at a will reading.

"The amnio's fine, the sex is male, and the name is Wade."

'May I be excused? I just checked my college investment portfolio online, and I feel sick.'

"Maybe we should have just had a baby..."

'As you can see, it's too late for a termination...Baby is capable of surviving outside the womb...'

"I'd like to thank my parents and my creditors for making this possible."

"Excuse me, but for some reason you have us traveling with our kids."

Don't worry, I see babies, lots of babies...

'A depressing thought just came over me. Now we'll have to go out and get a job!'

Do you have to write the 5 paragraph essays to be a rich investment banker? Or rock star? Or famous actress? No. No. And no. Then why learn to write one? So when those jobs don't work out

When Engineers Crack.

"The anger management consultant said he wasn't going to alter his **** dates at this t****stage which fits in with the 'managing change' consultant who said it was to late to change her plans..."

We're looking for someone who knows how to adapt, not adopt.

"I'm getting so old I don't remember where I buried my bone..."

"Were we expecting a baby?"

"One day, my boy, all this will be retirement homes."

'We took the old plan, folded in half, and now it's the new plan.'

'Your pediatrician? No. . . I'm your baby's college admissions representatives.'

"I think you might need to start again."