Wild Gourmet Gifts

'I can taste the soybeans, protein pellets, rice, bran, corn and oats. It could use a little more salt.'

'I want to make a positive environmental statement - What do you suggest I order?'

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

"I just finished your manuscript and I found the ending delicious."

"And I'm teaming that burned sausage up with a warm, flat local lager."

'The heart and eyes feel nothing, but the stomach and ears are completely infatuated.'

'I'm a vegetarian.' - 'If it's so wrong to eat animals, why are they made out of meat?'

"I feel like we are the polyester of dairy products."

It turns out they don't go together so well,

'Waiter...my entrée fell over.'

"Keep your glasses on. It will look like twice as much."

Too much cilantro

The Main Types of Cheese

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

'You wanted to be a wine maker in the worst way, Paul - and you've succeeded.'

'I go to St. Patrick's Church, I go to St. Patrick's School, and my name is Patrick. Is it also necessary for me to eat green food?'

'I'll have the bacon and hay wrap.'

"I forgot to take a pic of the tacos."

To do before Saturday...

"Grass...Grass and more damn grass... What I wouldn't give for a lightly poached Dover sole with a garlic infused tarragon sauce."

'Why, thank you. When they started the vineyard five generations ago, I heard they were shooting for freakin' awesome.'

"This is locally grown and good for the environment, but it may give you greenhouse gas."

"The recipe said to let the chicken rest after it comes out of the oven!"

Cheese

'This wine is dreadful - try some.'

"Spoiler alert! If you read the specials, you'll find out the Chef's Surprise!"

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

"I use broccoli rabe as a litmus test."

'Is this still America?'

Holiday Supplies

"You ordered the organic, unprocessed, whole wheat spaghetti?"

"Vegetables, vegetables, vegetables, welcome to my dystopian world!"

'We have Vanilla, Chocolate and Strawberry on your choice of Cedar, Oak or Elm cone...'

"The bagels are better in New York."

"This place is famous for its short fiction about food."