Wedding Wits Pillows

'Do you, Tenured, take this, Untenured, through sickness and health, to have and to hold from this day forward?'

"Hold on—I'm getting information as to why these two should not be wed."

'...I now pronounce you man and wife -- the ball's in your court.'

Wedding cake

Couple getting married. Woman says 'With this lo-jack I thee wed.'

'Not so fast. I hate kissing in public. Why don't we just hug instead?' And things would only get worse from there.

"I take it the wedding chapel is to the right?"

'Eight years old, huh? If it's so good, why didn't somebody drink it eight years ago?'

Miss America IQ Pageant

'Wait a minute - How do we break a tie?'

Presentation: Thinking each other are idiots.

'I made a good grade in creative writing, but I didn't do very well in creative spelling.'

"I have to rest. The 'check engine' light on my activity tracker just came on."

'I'm worried about all these unemployed. They're still on our payroll'

'Your honor, if I may digress for a moment, who does your hair?'

"We'll be single again in Heaven, right?"

"Since my divorce I thought I'd never laugh again. Then I noticed your toupee."

'I just evolved the opposable thumb, and I've already got carpal-tunnel syndrome!'

'My client stands before you, a jury of his whittling peers ...'

'Always the wise guy.'

Conference Room. I don't have the heart to tell him it wasn't a compliment when the boss said "in every brainstorming session Ernie is a ray of sunshine."

"If you could have a dinner conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?"

"I warned you not to buy your top hat and tails from that ex magician!"

"Are we sexually compatible? Well, we both get headaches at the same time..."

Groom decoration on wedding cake makes good his escape.

"What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing."

"She can be outspoken."

"May I see some ID, Madame? Haha, just kidding!"

Edwina momentarily considered sarcasm. . .

'The resume is handwritten because I am not very good with computers' - The LAST thing you should say in ANY job interview.

Flat Foot

Spark Notes Wedding Vows

'And do you,take Kevin to be your lawful wedded husband for three years or 50,000 miles?'

"I preferred it when you micromanaged more openly."

"I hope my next husband looks better in a tux than you do."