Wedding Wits Pillows

'Do you, Tenured, take this, Untenured, through sickness and health, to have and to hold from this day forward?'

"Hold on—I'm getting information as to why these two should not be wed."

'...I now pronounce you man and wife -- the ball's in your court.'

Couple getting married. Woman says 'With this lo-jack I thee wed.'

'Not so fast. I hate kissing in public. Why don't we just hug instead?' And things would only get worse from there.

'Eight years old, huh? If it's so good, why didn't somebody drink it eight years ago?'

'Wait a minute - How do we break a tie?'

Miss America IQ Pageant

Presentation: Thinking each other are idiots.

'I made a good grade in creative writing, but I didn't do very well in creative spelling.'

"I have to rest. The 'check engine' light on my activity tracker just came on."

'I'm worried about all these unemployed. They're still on our payroll'

'Your honor, if I may digress for a moment, who does your hair?'

'I just evolved the opposable thumb, and I've already got carpal-tunnel syndrome!'

"We'll be single again in Heaven, right?"

"Since my divorce I thought I'd never laugh again. Then I noticed your toupee."

"I warned you not to buy your top hat and tails from that ex magician!"

'Always the wise guy.'

"If you could have a dinner conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?"

'My client stands before you, a jury of his whittling peers ...'

"Are we sexually compatible? Well, we both get headaches at the same time..."

"What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing."

"May I see some ID, Madame? Haha, just kidding!"

"She can be outspoken."

Groom decoration on wedding cake makes good his escape.

Edwina momentarily considered sarcasm. . .

'The resume is handwritten because I am not very good with computers' - The LAST thing you should say in ANY job interview.

Flat Foot

Spark Notes Wedding Vows

'And do you,take Kevin to be your lawful wedded husband for three years or 50,000 miles?'

"Until the weapons of mass destruction are found."

'Stand up straight!'

'Debbie, does this mean it's over between you and I?'

'Do Not Feed The Bares'

"I preferred it when you micromanaged more openly."