Watching Infomercials Pillows

'Stop watching all those rags to riches infomercials. You've caught the investment bug.'

Stop! Stop what? Do not change the channel! Sex, death, harrowing footage of the most remarkable story you've ever seen, tattoos, rock-n-roll, action, action, action! It's all coming right up, right after this five second break for station identification. Five seconds ... You're watching Rock Television. And now back to our ... bored. Welcome to ABC. We've got thrills, action, more thrills ... Click. I've got your action right here. We've created a monster. Click click click click click cl-

"I got an 'A' - and all my research was from infomercials."

"I'm used to falling asleep with the TV on. Read me an infomercial."

". . . yes, sir, folks . . . and furthermore, folks . . . for real quality, folks . . . yes, sir, folks . . ."

"Who is the fairest of them all? Well, Madame, the answer comes right after this commercial break! Stay tuned!!"

'I'm a voice over artist.'

'Of course he's an actor. When was the last time you saw a kid enjoy something that was good for him?'

And if it's successful, we'll do an infomercial.

Where Are They Now?

"Play it like, sure, the world sees you as just a hamburger, but you know there's so much more to you than that."

Stephen Harper on the attack ads.

Before we begin tonight's dream, a word from our sponsor...

"But wait, there's more."

'I love it, the chief loves it. The client loves it but the Gods don't love it.'

'Hey! -- that Maytag repairman is an impostor!'

"We used to think sugar and spice were all things nice - until that was proved to be a lie put out by global food manufacturers."

"Has this ever happened to you? Well, with our Medical Emergency Distress System..."

"Get another cab, Dad. This one is creepin' me out."

'...But the good news is TV ads have been promoting the idea that money isn't everything.'

'Okay, I'll do one more dog food commercial, but I don't want to get typecast.'

"... starts Friday at a theatre near you."

Call now! Performers in dramatizations in informercials often rush through their lines. They're following the exhortation to "act quickly."

"Play the old Winston jingle."

'So you got the endorsement contract?'

"If elected, I'll institute an AMAZING CRASH PROGRAM that in JUST 24 HOURS will trim ugly fat and waste from government and literally turn it into SUPER SERVICES for you the AMERICAN PEOPLE by utilizing a NATURAL MECHANISM so powerful that when unleashed

'Yummo Toothpaste contains no caffeine, and cleans your teeth better than Coke or Pepsi!'

"You know that drug commercial where everyone is laughing and running around with friends and dogs enjoying the beautiful day? What are they on?"

'Act now and you'll get this slicerdicer absolutely free! But wait, that's not all...'

'Are your game broadcasts interrupted by screaming TV pitch men...'

“Act now—the first fifty callers receive a presidential pardon.”

'I'm using my eyes, how are you looking at it?'

"Mom, I love infomercials...there are no commercials!"

Joe experiences a profound, life-changing moment of clarity, but it simply can't compete with the cool informercial he was watching at the time.

'That was the longest infomercial I've ever seen.'