Watching Contests Gifts

"When you said you were going to look at the figures I didn't know you were going to watch a bikini contest."

'You wouldn't happen to be sitting on my entry to the straightest runner bean competition?'

The First Annual Game Show Week.

The deadly sport of cobra staring contests.

'The employee who guesses closest to the correct number of beans in this jar will be awarded this year's annual pay increase! -Management, ATOZ Accountants

"What's the best way to break up a marriage?"

'Rhea of the Year.'

'Congratulations. You're our 15th caller. The grant is yours!'

'We did it, Dad! We won the heaviest frog award!'

Annual Lump Festival Competition:'I don't know if I can give an award, they're all so fantastic..'

'The contest brought in only twenty two wrappers...'

"But that's the beauty of the game. At this very moment, your absurd vicarious defeat is being perfectly counterbalanced by some opposing fan's absurd vicarious triumph."

Man reading letter, 'You may already be a winner' about to step on rake.

Contest time. Mort and Sadie, our ornery octogenarians, have decided to rename Rudy's generation. Mort favors Generation I - for impatient. Sadie prefers Generation V - for virtual. Or vapid! What do you think? Please send your own ideas to asksadieshow@gmail.com. C'mon people, get thinkin'!

Dancing with the Star Wars

I must say, that's the most pathetic bar promotion I've ever seen. Tuesdays! Wet Socks Contest!

No soliciting - unless you're one of those sweepstakes

'You're excited about winning a traveling toothbrush kit in a sweepstakes after spending $300 on postage and entering 1,500 contests?'

"Lying, fighting, bickering, stupidity and attacks. These people are nuts! . . . This is the presidential campaign."

The Apprentice

America's Next Top Baby

'He's tiring? What happened to round four 'he's ready to go!'?'

"He's bracing himself for disappointment."

'You are the unwisest man...goodbye.'

Final Round of Biggest Snoozer.

'1000 pies to eat before you die.'

These guys are going to have some kind of contest. (Musical note.) Let's see who sings the best. (Question mark.) No. Let's play "Jeopardy." All answers must be in the form of a question. (Exclamation point.) Whatever we do, I'll be the most enthusiastic!! (Ampersand.) Can we form partnerships? (Dollar sign.) Is there any prize money? (Percentage symbol.) What are the chances of winning? (Asterisk.) Winning's not that important. With me here, winning will be marked as not wholly

"It will be dangerous to go 'cold turkey'. We need to wean her off with replays..."

Redneck Wet T-shirt Contest

"An own-goal and a rebound penalty, huh!"

Maybe we should do a big check next time. Sweepstak … 5 five.

Rudy, you wanna know possible names for your generation? Huh? The L-Generation for loser, the C-generation for clueless or connected, J for jerk or W for whiners. These readers suggestions all have something in common. None of them won the contest to name Rudy's generation. Not that we're taunting the non-winners. C'mon, taunt the losers!! Winner to be named any day now.

Angel Wins Publisher's Clearing House

'The bad news is I got caught in the rain. The good news is that I won a Wet Tee-Shirt Contest.'

"The three finalists find themselves on Sir Alan's private jet with no fuel and just one parachute between them!"