Washerwoman Gifts

Reduced circumstances of Mr. Mantalini

"Do you mind, Mrs Trimble! I'm about to conduct a christening!"

A Pan Anglican Washing Day

"How can you be out of wings?"

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

"Stephen and I are today's special."

"And the cheese in your omelette? Cheddar, Brie, aged Gouda, Morbier, Torta del Casar, Double Gloucester, Époisses, Shropshire blue, or American?"

"I'd like the garden salad with the blue cheese dressing, and my mother would like me married by age thirty."

'We have 800 beers on tap. If you want to hear all of them, you'll have to get here earlier, we close in six hours.'

"Even the waiters here are organic."

'You complimented the chef on his dumplings -now he wishes to return the compliments!'

'‘Because I said so' or ‘Just wait until you have kids of your own' section?'

'My diet's good...I'm two weeks ahead of schedule.'

'If this is tea, I'll have a coffee. If it's a coffee, I'll have a tea!'

"Yes I know, and you dropped sauce on your shirt."

Careful, the plate's probably still hot.

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

"You say your crème needs more Brulée?"

"Everything on our menu uses organic, locally sourced, graveyard-to-table ingredients."

'We don't 'skimp' on the pour, sir; we're just generous with the glass.'

"Something's wrong with the broccoli. Please take it back to the kitchen and have it genetically modified."

Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup? A scene from an Esther Williams movie.

"All of tonight's specials dance around the whole GMO thing."

"When portions are this huge, I eat half now and the rest in a few minutes."

Next time, a larger tip for the server and less free tax advice.

'Take of the fruit and eat . . . Well, peanuts actually.'

'and on the Kids' Menu, we have Cranky Pants French Toast...'

"Garbage in, garbage out!"

'Would you like you steak WITH or WITHOUT a capella?'

'You shouldn't knock them back so quickly.'

'Who gets the decaf?'

Waitress to church leader: 'It's your daily bread, Pastor. Remember? You ordered the prayer breakfast.'

'For a small extra charge, we can provide a specially-formulated digestive enzyme.'

"Sorry, that's not my table."

Countervailing Clichés.