Wannabe News Anchor Gifts

What he really hoped to be someday was a TV news anchor.

"The Net National Product rose slightly last month."

"Well if I can't be a cowboy I'll be a lawyer for cowboys."

New Guy.

'I think winning that last hand went to Bob's head, because he now has an entourage.'

As Seen On TV

'My 434 novels are very similar to Terry Pratchetts apart from the fact that they've never been published.'

Home theatre.

"There comes a time, Little Buddy, when you have to just accept that you'll never be famous....that your life will never be adapted for television and that when you die, only five or six people will truly care."

Everyone in Tinseltown deserves 15 minutes of obscurity.

The Don't-Quit-Your-Day-Job Comedic Revue

'However, the jurors unanimously agreed that Blogojevich is the politician with the best hair!'

"So a plumber charges $600 for 45 minutes' work?! Is that the coolest job or what?!"

'I love you, Mom, but I'm going to live with the Obamas now and be the first son.'

A young boy shaving

Dave's new nail gun revived the childhood ambitions he'd had before realizing that he could earn more as a carpenter than as a hero.

'Be reasonable, son - even Santa couldn't get a horse into a box THAT size!'

'Nice 'power tie', professor.'

'This summer, I went to pundit camp. . .'

"Carry yourself like everyone knows you, ad everyone you meet will feel like they should know you."

"We're only here summers, but Roger likes to be taken for a local."

After the cutbacks at flight simulator school. . .

"I've got a part in a soap."

'Sure he's got a smart phone, but he doesn't know how to use it. He's a geek poser.'

"Sure raising my allowance is great, daddy, but what I want is power of attorney!"

"Empty, like the last six joints you cased. Man, don't give up your day job."

"Larry fancies himself as a Trump-ologist."

"Face it, Earl, ee're dogfoodboys."