Wannabe Bestselling Author Pillows

'My 434 novels are very similar to Terry Pratchetts apart from the fact that they've never been published.'

"Well if I can't be a cowboy I'll be a lawyer for cowboys."

New Guy.

Zorro as a child.

"Next, I'd like to play 'Guantanamera.'"

Runs-With-Scissors Boy - Part One

'I think winning that last hand went to Bob's head, because he now has an entourage.'

As Seen On TV

'I don't see how you can put your profession as TV star just because you were in the crowd of Match of the Day!'

Parenting Academy...I failed insemination.

How to win Genius Grants for Dummies!

"There comes a time, Little Buddy, when you have to just accept that you'll never be famous....that your life will never be adapted for television and that when you die, only five or six people will truly care."

Everyone in Tinseltown deserves 15 minutes of obscurity.

The Don't-Quit-Your-Day-Job Comedic Revue

'I'm sorry Mrs Jones, but according to these results your womb is extremely inhospitable, and your husband's sperm is gay.'

"I think we're ready for the big move up from shed band to full garage band."

Who do you think you're kidding? The cub scouts don't have a "special ops."

A young boy shaving

I'm emulating my dad - running around with mags like this. Looking smart...and in truth I'm just reading the funnies and the horoscopes!

'Be reasonable, son - even Santa couldn't get a horse into a box THAT size!'

'I love you, Mom, but I'm going to live with the Obamas now and be the first son.'

Dave's new nail gun revived the childhood ambitions he'd had before realizing that he could earn more as a carpenter than as a hero.

And so ended the years of preparation our hero refusing to whimper even now in his final, flopping moments.

"Well, if we're playing tackle football I'll be the coach!"

The Island

"We're only here summers, but Roger likes to be taken for a local."

'I'm not getting any hits!' 'Bloggers can't be choosers.'

'But look, Sire -- a whole lot of people have you down as their fifth choice!'

'Never, Ever...try to imitate LeBron James on the basketball court.'

"Carry yourself like everyone knows you, ad everyone you meet will feel like they should know you."

TO BOLDLY GO where everyone else went (not all that long ago...)

"I can try all I want, but there's no way I look smooth on this bike!"

"From now on let's do our drawings inside the cave."

"I've got a part in a soap."

I'm also carrying that book around without reading it.