Wall Street Humorist Gifts

'In 20 years our research department has won only one award, and that was from the American Fertilizer Association.'

Members of the New York Stock Exchange

"So how long have you worked on Wall Street?"

"The partners were thinking maybe stockbroker is not the right career for you."

'Williams, we're not used to receiving such excellent ideas as these, so we'd like to tone them down a bit.'

'We invest so much money in training staff...it's a mystery to me why businesses would risk losing them.'

'You could be a constant inspiration for us to come up with a plan to get a leg up on our competition...you're hired!'

"Actually, she's just a figurehead boss. Our real CEO is an algorithm floating around somewhere in the cloud!"

'Whoever said 'The only thing we have to fear is fear itself' never had a room full of angry shareholders.'

"In recognition of last month's little upward blip, I suggest we allow ourselves a spontaneous victory fist bump."

"How's everybody doing? I'm not boring you, am I?"

"So, we look to the fourth quarter as a time of healing."

'It's a deal, lets sniff bottoms!'

Can't Do the Math/Won't Do the Math.

'It has come to my attention that we need to hedge against our five-year plan.'

"Obviously some people here don't appreciate the gravity of our situation."

"I keep feeling we should float the company"

"This report is mumbo jumbo...I asked for gobbledeeegook!"

Entering the Business Community: Assets/Liabilities

"The trend in tough economic times is to put off everything that doesn't require immediate action ? as this chart shows."

"Any questions?"

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

Will work for ETFs

"We're pleased to announce that your company has shrewdly traded a cow for some magic beans." some ma

"But don't let my wacky tie fool you. We actually take business very seriously around here."

"Delegating authority is good. Delegating blame is better."

'Bad news, sir -- there's a leak in our think tank!'

'Gentlemen, I've been authorized to sweeten the offer.'

"In the event of an actual S.E.C. investigation, legal representation will drop from the ceiling."

'Will you kindly remind the rest of the staff that I'm the managing director - not the Godfather!'

'So do you want me to minute that George is dying of boredom and Nigel will rip my head off if I don't stop boring him with my blather?'

"Serendipity is not a strategy."

'We earn extra money by renting out your office at night.'

'And as my chart clearly shows, I don't know anything.'

"What if, instead of the safe being filled with rawhide, it's filled with catnip and mice!" "No one will buy it." "Drugs and rodents? Who's our demographic?" "The Simpsons already did that."