Waitress Whisperer Gifts

"Ukrainian legend V.N. Levev performs a flawless clean and jerk of Amy Lucas, world's most self-absorbed waitress."

"How can you be out of wings?"

"Stephen and I are today's special."

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

"I'd like the garden salad with the blue cheese dressing, and my mother would like me married by age thirty."

"And the cheese in your omelette? Cheddar, Brie, aged Gouda, Morbier, Torta del Casar, Double Gloucester, Époisses, Shropshire blue, or American?"

"Boss, the AI is actually smarter than all of us! It read our business forecast, jumped up and ran out laughing!"

"Even the waiters here are organic."

'We have 800 beers on tap. If you want to hear all of them, you'll have to get here earlier, we close in six hours.'

'You complimented the chef on his dumplings -now he wishes to return the compliments!'

'‘Because I said so' or ‘Just wait until you have kids of your own' section?'

'If this is tea, I'll have a coffee. If it's a coffee, I'll have a tea!'

'My diet's good...I'm two weeks ahead of schedule.'

Careful, the plate's probably still hot.

"Everything on our menu uses organic, locally sourced, graveyard-to-table ingredients."

'We don't 'skimp' on the pour, sir; we're just generous with the glass.'

"Yes I know, and you dropped sauce on your shirt."

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

"You say your crème needs more Brulée?"

"Something's wrong with the broccoli. Please take it back to the kitchen and have it genetically modified."

'Take of the fruit and eat . . . Well, peanuts actually.'

'and on the Kids' Menu, we have Cranky Pants French Toast...'

"When portions are this huge, I eat half now and the rest in a few minutes."

"All of tonight's specials dance around the whole GMO thing."

Next time, a larger tip for the server and less free tax advice.

Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup? A scene from an Esther Williams movie.

'You said the computer was coming between us. So I put your name as my password.'

I'm trying to read your test results from urology, but their server can only stream them a little bit at a time.

Countervailing Clichés.

'For a small extra charge, we can provide a specially-formulated digestive enzyme.'

'You shouldn't knock them back so quickly.'

'Who gets the decaf?'

Waitress to church leader: 'It's your daily bread, Pastor. Remember? You ordered the prayer breakfast.'

'Would you like you steak WITH or WITHOUT a capella?'

"Tech-support has confirmed it. Screaming and hitting the computer won't solve the problem. You'll have to try something else."