Volume Virtuoso Gifts

Soft Speaker, Loud Speaker, Deafening Speaker

"Ambitions... to do everything by the book"

"It won't go any louder.My dad super glued the volume knob on number two."

'Yo, Danny! The pitcher's complaining about the crowd noise. Turn it down!'

"Turn down the bass."

"The GPS has three voice modes: Wilderness Whisper, Country Conversation, and City Shriek."

"Your son's guitar? What's wrong with it?"

"Counsel for prose is overruled. Poetry, you may continue."

'As Chuck's definition of terroir dragged past the 20-minute mark, Suzy concluded, the longer the explanation, the less likely you know what the word means.'

'No, you're not calling at a bad time. I'm a professional wine taster - it's alwasys a good time.'

'So it's the Mumm's Cordon Rouge, '98 Pouilly-Fuisse, '86 Chateau Margaux, and the '92 Barsac - would you like any food?'

"He's got great velocity but his trajectory needs work."

'How do you folks get away with such flagrant violation of Prohibition?'

Cats are under tremendous peer pressure to remain useless.

"Hmmm ... perhaps a pinot noir less spilly?"

My therapist says I should take up basket making as a pastime!

"In my next album 'Gettin' Back', I refute all the strong beliefs expressed in 'Gettin' There', my previous album."

'I thought that 'remote gizmo' was just for manoeuvring the caravan down the drive!'

Need a vitaminlike pill, but don't want to risk the side effects? Then try the world's first multivitamin placebo! They don't do any good, but they don't do any harm either.

Gymnasts falling off the winners pedestal.

“I’m stayin’ home — I want the world to know — I pro-bab-ly won’t go!”

"A man never stands so tall, son, as when he stoops to pick up a quarter."

House proud woman vacuums hair from dog.

Spiro & Pusho: watering the vine and the neighbour.

'Coleridge'

'Ladies no more messy pet hairs to worry about with the Decko Dynamic!'

I know I'm not qualified for the job, but watch my incredible video resume anyway. It got an Honorable Mention at Cannes!

"When a wine rates over ninety, this is not alcoholism."

Writer

"My name is Leonard, and I'll be your auto mechanic for today."

'Apparently, my wine-tasting computer liked the '86 Haut Brion a bit too much - it didn't leave any for us.'

Annette von Droste-Hulshoff

Wino Appreciation Group

Beatlemania: Open 24/8

Poetry repairman