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"I'm sorry, doctor. The cat must have escaped again."

'I want to forewarn you that my HMO won't approve any treatment that uses a needle.'

'The dripping keeps me awake!'

'The good news is that it's not your fault.'

Hospital Departments

"Janet, please. I'm calling the vet's office to check their lost and found. That's the last place I saw my nuts."

'A vet!! Take Princess to a vet?'

"We're just going for a routine checkup ... they only do that operation once."

'No need to shout.'

"Anxiety? No, nothing that I've noticed out of the ordinary."

Vet to angry-looking dog: 'You ate some crabgrass, eh? Were you self-medicating again?'

"Give him one of these 3 times a day and tummy rubs as needed."

'You want to stick that thermometer where?'

"Cardiac day patients?"

Medicare: More is Better!

"Most of our procedures are out of network."

Doctor sits near work boxes labelled; 'NHS' and 'Private'.

'The vet will see, you know!'

"May I keep my collar on?"

'They should have extra-small thermometers for Yorkies, Doctor!'

'I recommend a second opinion so the HMO won't second guess me.'

'I'm from the temp agency, who are you?'

'Here, takes these...we're going to need a urine sample from him right now.'

"I don't see the doctor anymore because I'd have to hire some kid to set up the patient portal."

'Of course I don't think you are silly, Mrs. Fifner. A dog doesn't have to be a purebred in order for you to love it."

'$200 for bladder stones? NOW I know what they meant by 'precious stones'!'

"So many FANTASTIC applicants, where do we start!"

Big dog in a vet's waiting room.

"St. Louis? Peoria? Savannah? Buddy suddenly realized he was lost."

"I don't care what it says on the 'chocoholics' website I'm not able to prescribe chocolate mini eggs on the NHS."

'He can't refer you to me... I referred you to him.'

"I'm getting the hang of the patient portal. It reminded me to refill my beta blocker, but I keep getting ads. Can you prescribe a good pop-up blocker too?"

"You need to see a specialer. They're like specialists, but less so."

'Next please.'

'You must be one of Billy Covey's teachers.'