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"I'm sorry, doctor. The cat must have escaped again."

'I want to forewarn you that my HMO won't approve any treatment that uses a needle.'

'The dripping keeps me awake!'

'The good news is that it's not your fault.'

Hospital Departments

"Janet, please. I'm calling the vet's office to check their lost and found. That's the last place I saw my nuts."

"We're just going for a routine checkup ... they only do that operation once."

'A vet!! Take Princess to a vet?'

'No need to shout.'

Vet to angry-looking dog: 'You ate some crabgrass, eh? Were you self-medicating again?'

"Anxiety? No, nothing that I've noticed out of the ordinary."

"Give him one of these 3 times a day and tummy rubs as needed."

"Cardiac day patients?"

'You want to stick that thermometer where?'

Medicare: More is Better!

"Most of our procedures are out of network."

Doctor sits near work boxes labelled; 'NHS' and 'Private'.

'They should have extra-small thermometers for Yorkies, Doctor!'

'The vet will see, you know!'

'I recommend a second opinion so the HMO won't second guess me.'

"May I keep my collar on?"

"I don't see the doctor anymore because I'd have to hire some kid to set up the patient portal."

'Of course I don't think you are silly, Mrs. Fifner. A dog doesn't have to be a purebred in order for you to love it."

Big dog in a vet's waiting room.

'Here, takes these...we're going to need a urine sample from him right now.'

"St. Louis? Peoria? Savannah? Buddy suddenly realized he was lost."

'I'm from the temp agency, who are you?'

She pulls to the left.

"So many FANTASTIC applicants, where do we start!"

'$200 for bladder stones? NOW I know what they meant by 'precious stones'!'

"I don't care what it says on the 'chocoholics' website I'm not able to prescribe chocolate mini eggs on the NHS."

'He can't refer you to me... I referred you to him.'

"I'm getting the hang of the patient portal. It reminded me to refill my beta blocker, but I keep getting ads. Can you prescribe a good pop-up blocker too?"

"You need to see a specialer. They're like specialists, but less so."

'You must be one of Billy Covey's teachers.'