Veggie Illusionist T-Shirts

"No animals were harmed during this performance!"

"I hope we can sell everything before it's time for mom to make dinner."

Better Not Squash.

Veggie Hall of Fame.

'Dad, you know that I'd never buy a pet that eats meat. Luckily, I found a guy who sold me the World's only vegetarian dog!'

Vegetarian Nightmare.

'There are some good things about a vegetable garden. Dirt at your fingertips, for instance.'

'Because Thanksgiving is about a bountiful harvest. That's why we have to eat all these vegetables.'

"My mom is a vegetarian, so she doesn't bring home the bacon. She brings home kale and quinoa."

TV's hot new political show: Meet the Produce. From the left, a giant carrot. From the right, big broccoli. Let's be frank. The Republicans have no fiscal discipline. And the tax-and-spend liberals do? We're not ballooning the deficit! Waging war to promote freedom is not free! You stupid rotten vegetable! You're low in vitamin E! Cut to commercial.

If we build raised beds and a compost bin now

Taken genetic engineering too far

September: All the familiar signs of harvest are with us once more.

'That chap really knows his onions!'

'The Ailing Matisse tries cutting out meat and dairy products.'

'No, you can't complain to the waiter about the vegetables floating in your soup. It's vegetable soup!'

"I'd better not eat any more broccoli. I'm saving room for spiritual food."

'Vegebals are poisonus says sciencetists'

"I got the kids to try more vegetables by putting sugar in the salt shaker."

"I discovered a way to get Steven to eat his vegetables. I put chocolate syrup on them."

"Which one on table three has gone for the vegetarian option?"

Ways to Misuse Ventriloquism

'They send you into the ketchup department? HA! I'M going into pizza!'

'No, you can't turn your vegetables into bio-fuel.'

'Mom, your diet says you can eat all the vegetables you want. Wow! A diet without vegetables!'

"I remember when we wouldn't buy the bent knobbly ones. Now we pay twice as much for them."

'So, that's settled - the eyes have it!'

"You're lucky your garden failed. If I'd had to can it, it would've been your marriage."

"Cheer up! There's a magic ingredient that makes it easy to eat vegetables...CHEESE SAUCE!"

'I'm in a lot of trouble, but it's worth it. There's not enough dirt left to grow spinach.'

Dreams of Spring...

"Do we HAVE to be omnivores?"

We've been working on them in the wind tunnel...

With my home genetic engineering kit, I've created massive, politically active vegetables. From the left, a giant carrot. From the right, big broccoli. It was an accident, but something feels right. Introducing Meet the Produce. Next topic: Trump. Losing. Winning.

'Ha! I knew they were just little trees!'