Vanity Joker Pillows

'It's middle age spread.' 'I can't believe I'm not thinner.'

Surfer Blowing Back His Hair.

"I just hope the world doesn't end before people can see our outfits."

Man admiring his patterned clothes in the mirror

'But he's supposed to tell everyone how much you weigh! '

INSTANT GREY HAIR TREATMENT.

'Still workin' on the beard, Jerry?'

"Harold, stop sucking in your stomach when the girls walk by. You're going to hurt yourself."

A bald eagle approaches middle age

"...And please let at least one person admire my new hat!"

'Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's is the fairest arse of all?'

'Mommy puts on a disguise every time, before she goes to work.'

'I wasn't the smartest guy in the room, but I had the whitest teeth!'

"Does my brain look big in this?"

'And, may I add, this hat does not scream, 'Bald Guy'.'

'I know how you feel.'

"There's something you should consider before you begin—my hair works hard and it plays hard."

Extreme Vanity Press - Fall, 2007

Stars Without Make-Up.

Tanning Machine on the beach

Bill Jones - Bill Jones w/out makeup

'What would you say about me having my spots enlarged?'

Medusa's bathtub

"You're so vein."

"For goodness sakes, Harold. Stop preening!"

'He eats his yogurt and carrot sticks out of a grease-stained brown bag to preserve his macho image.'

"She's definitely had work done on her tail."

It was an expensive treatment, but it feels so good to be barnacle-free...

'He wants to look slightly mysterious and menacing.'

"This is a Soul Card. We deduct a small monthly fee, and you get your looks back as long as there is a positive balance."

"I had my wings done"

'Oh, come on. . . you can't tell me Dasher hasn't had antler enhancement surgery!'

Pre-selfie, Selfie, Post-selfie.

Ears and Nostril Shampoo.

'I'd love to take a bath in milk. . . No, up to my neck.'