Vanishing Landlord Pillows

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

'Think I preferred the old Irish barman.'

'Men are like fragments of soap... they get together in bars!'

'No ice.'

'No standing while room is in motion.'

Shaken not stirred

'Your husband? He's just leaving...'

'I know it's gassy...'

'As my solicitor I think you could have negotiated that better.'

Best Before 5th Pint.

"How was my day? I'm still calculating the little victories minus the humiliations I normally suffer."

'Why would anyone order a pint of stoat?'

'We get our draft straight from the brewery.'

"What I really wanted was a dog, but my landlord won't allow it. So I got married instead."

Barman In Love.

Bar: Now serving 24 hours - 'I want to get as wasted as you look.'

'I'm going to try that 'vegan' thing, Joe -- give me some beer nuts.'

'Bartender...There's soap in my beer glass!' - Man farting bubbles.

"Just water for me, please."

"My path to success and fortune was that rather than foraging and storing my own food, I built a portfolio of storage properties to rent..."

"Every night the same gets legless, swearin 'n' fightin' then slumps into a stupor. . ."

'No need for pump action, Al - it's the wife.'

'Okay then, what's the price break on TWENTY drinks?'

'I thought I would rent it out for the extra dough.'

' I gather you wish to reassign your lease, Higgins.'

'John, I have to get going. Here's my views on politics, sports, and automobiles in case some of the boys come in later.'

'There goes any chance of us getting our security deposit back.'

'Telephone call for Mr. Right!'

'Fred is a social conservative -- he believes in slow food and heavy beer.'

'Honey, the neighbors have persuaded me to stop coming out into the hallway every morning to play 'reveille'!'

"I rented out the basement."

'Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine... LAST!'

I asked my girlfriend if there was someone else...

"You're looking a bit RUFF this morning."

'What happened to your hand.'