Landlord Woes Pillows

"What I really wanted was a dog, but my landlord won't allow it. So I got married instead."

'Men are like fragments of soap... they get together in bars!'

'Think I preferred the old Irish barman.'

'No ice.'

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

'No standing while room is in motion.'

'Your husband? He's just leaving...'

Best Before 5th Pint.

'I know it's gassy...'

'As my solicitor I think you could have negotiated that better.'

Shaken not stirred

'Why would anyone order a pint of stoat?'

"How was my day? I'm still calculating the little victories minus the humiliations I normally suffer."

'We get our draft straight from the brewery.'

'Okay then, what's the price break on TWENTY drinks?'

'No need for pump action, Al - it's the wife.'

"Just water for me, please."

Barman In Love.

Bar: Now serving 24 hours - 'I want to get as wasted as you look.'

"Every night the same gets legless, swearin 'n' fightin' then slumps into a stupor. . ."

"My path to success and fortune was that rather than foraging and storing my own food, I built a portfolio of storage properties to rent..."

'I'm going to try that 'vegan' thing, Joe -- give me some beer nuts.'

'I thought I would rent it out for the extra dough.'

'John, I have to get going. Here's my views on politics, sports, and automobiles in case some of the boys come in later.'

'There goes any chance of us getting our security deposit back.'

'What happened to your hand.'

'Fred is a social conservative -- he believes in slow food and heavy beer.'

I asked my girlfriend if there was someone else...

'Telephone call for Mr. Right!'

'Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine... LAST!'

'Honey, the neighbors have persuaded me to stop coming out into the hallway every morning to play 'reveille'!'

"What'll ya have?"

"You're looking a bit RUFF this morning."

"I rented out the basement."

The day Bob finally understood radiation of species.