Landlord Woes Pillows

"What I really wanted was a dog, but my landlord won't allow it. So I got married instead."

'Think I preferred the old Irish barman.'

'Men are like fragments of soap... they get together in bars!'

'No ice.'

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

'No standing while room is in motion.'

Best Before 5th Pint.

'As my solicitor I think you could have negotiated that better.'

Shaken not stirred

'Your husband? He's just leaving...'

'I know it's gassy...'

'Why would anyone order a pint of stoat?'

"How was my day? I'm still calculating the little victories minus the humiliations I normally suffer."

'We get our draft straight from the brewery.'

"Just water for me, please."

'I'm going to try that 'vegan' thing, Joe -- give me some beer nuts.'

Barman In Love.

Bar: Now serving 24 hours - 'I want to get as wasted as you look.'

"Every night the same gets legless, swearin 'n' fightin' then slumps into a stupor. . ."

'No need for pump action, Al - it's the wife.'

"My path to success and fortune was that rather than foraging and storing my own food, I built a portfolio of storage properties to rent..."

'Okay then, what's the price break on TWENTY drinks?'

'I thought I would rent it out for the extra dough.'

' I gather you wish to reassign your lease, Higgins.'

'John, I have to get going. Here's my views on politics, sports, and automobiles in case some of the boys come in later.'

'There goes any chance of us getting our security deposit back.'

"I rented out the basement."

I asked my girlfriend if there was someone else...

'Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine... LAST!'

'Honey, the neighbors have persuaded me to stop coming out into the hallway every morning to play 'reveille'!'

'Fred is a social conservative -- he believes in slow food and heavy beer.'

"You're looking a bit RUFF this morning."

'Telephone call for Mr. Right!'

"What'll ya have?"

'What happened to your hand.'