Valuer Gifts

'No, I wouldn't advise you to put it into the auction. I'd advise you to put it in the bin.'

"So, the Scharfs have an atoll. Big deal."

'We always like to give more bling for the buck.'

"I want to see it as art, but I keep asking myself 'is it really grocery?'"

"Everything I know about being human I learned from animals."

Little Investment on the Praire

"The valuation of my business includes its goodwill."

"With skyrocketing condo prices these days I can easily get $2.5 million."

Valuation of Heaven

“What we have here is an old moral compass. How did it come into your possession?”

For Sale, just to find the true value.

"Has it been in your family long?"

"Actually, the 24/7 Roadside Assistance kinda makes up for the 24/7 vehicle depreciation."

A bomb appears in the shadow of the Statue of Liberty.

Wall Street Hens

"Things are looking up..."

GOLDEN RULE: 'High moral fiber cereal,'

"Mom, please take her and teach her morals, manners, and chores."

"It must be good wine for twenty bucks a bottle!"

Jesus saves.

"Also, that random comment you made three years ago will count against you."

"It's full of woodworm, we breed them..."

God Bless America/Godless America

Handcuffs: Steal one pair, get the second pair free!

"Bobby was caught imposing his values on another student."

And now, by rule, mommy get to read you a story with an opposing moral.

'You wouldn't catch ME stooping to bottom shelf brands!'

Ideology Test

"Love, compassion, forgiveness- those are very christian values" "For all we know I might have been a christain in a previous life"

"It's a fabulous deal. You'll make peanuts."

"Of course, it's full of woodworm, we breed them..."

'Felton,has it occured to you that you may have taken a talent for self-effacement a bit too far?'

'Just when I thought my chances for being heroic were gone. Then to my good fortune, along came Afghanistan.'

"I just can't hide my feelings any more...for years I've buried them, been too scared of peoples reactions. I can't lie any more, people have to know the real me."

'You have a Remington etching that has a mate somewhere of this coach scene. . . if you had the mate and cleaned the etching it would be worth $5,000 at auction. . . by itself $150.'