Art Valuer Gifts

'You have a Remington etching that has a mate somewhere of this coach scene. . . if you had the mate and cleaned the etching it would be worth $5,000 at auction. . . by itself $150.'

Larry's used art

"I think that's one of his early 'blank canvases'. I think there are some bigger ones in the next room."

'It's called 'Oh Bugger It!' if you must know!'

"I think he was a celebrity."

"It's a postmodern mosaic, almost lyrical in its undercurrent." "My five-year-old will be happy to hear that."

Use your imagination.

God putting the finishing touches to the Pug.

Turd - 'It's one of a kind.'

"What the %@!!* is that?!" "Is that a leg? Wait—no, it's an arm. Wait—what?" "The frame is nice." "Whatever it is, it makes me miss Bob Ross." "Gasp!" "The intentionally lost Caravaggio"

"I may not know much about art, but I do know what's suitable for framing."

'Are you sure this is authentic ancient Indian art?'

Fertility goddess. Nanny goddess.

Misunderstood artist

"I don't know anything about art, but this is a damned good Martini."

"No - you’re right. It’s dumb."

"The Leonardos, the Raphaels, Titians, Veroneses, Giottos... Italy wants them back, all 427 of them."

Dynasties - Ping, Ching, Ming.

"Now this I get."

'Number two. That's the art that offended me.'

'I highly recommend this painting if you're interested in art as an investment.'

'I'm looking forward to parents' night. I'm going to ask these people their diet secrets.'

'It's not as easy as you think - saddle sores, bursitis in the shoulder, pigeons...'

Art Gallery.

Juggler and Illusionist

"He's an abstract artist."

"My wife commissioned a portrait of me."

Museum. Hours. You're donating your collection of pre-Columbian art? Yes! What's Mayan is yours!

Would you make up your mind? I can't keep letting you in and out all day.

Scarpia's Palace

Sold! For £42,000 to the... No wait - it's the wrong way round!

'It doesn't do anything, it's just a very pleasing shape!'

'He knows everything about art. But he doesn't know what he likes.'

'It's a giant inkblot on loan from the psychiatrist who owns the unit next door.'

Before Dogs Knew How To Play Poker,