Valentine Jester Pillows

"The bad news is, you've been charged with assault with a deadly weapon. The good news is, your victim has obtained a marriage license."

Gooseberry Fool...

Pappa clown views offspring in maternity window.

"Petting zoo" "Heavy petting zoo"

"It's great to see Biff; Socksie the cat is out of the bag..."

"No, Doris, not implants!"

Pretty girls listen patiently. They know you'll soon get tongue-tied and won't be able to talk anymore.

"No, you definitely wouldn't get Christmas Eve off."

'Your wife says you act like a fool. I thought you said she never pays attention to you.'

"I love a woman with a sense of humour."

Drunk Barber

"Perhaps it wasn't so wise to bring Frosty along!"

"If I survive this holiday, I'm moving to a pond."

"Could you help me fit nine days work into five and still see my family?"

It's not what's outside that interests me. It's what's inside!

"To be fair, I think you should be very clear about the ground rules with your next jester."

'Avoid the Christmas rush, drink now.

"We all go a bit crackers over Christmas, just try to pull yourself together."

She agreed to marry me, but she has to marry three other guys first.

"You have a really lousy sense of humor."

"They're a perfect match – she's high-maintenance, and he can fix anything."

'That'll be all the mince pies and sherry!'

'Wait while I slip on something more comfortable.'

"At this rate I'll be delivering all gift certificates, gift cards and I.O.U.s!"

'Well, the magic of Christmas is officially over, unless it includes waking up to a septic tank backup.'

"Will you manage my portfolio?"

'He's sending 2,400 roses to win her back, and charging it to her credit card.'

Monks play conkers with crucifix

'You should have seen the one that got away!'

The crackdown on slapstick continues.

"I'm not very good at sex, but what do you say to eight hours uproarious sleep?"

Luring the babes is a cinch when you've got the right feet for the job.

Boyfriend scores notches on wall by bed.

'That was SO worth it!' - Christmas Tree Toppled