Vacation Guru Gifts

A. Einstein. E = MC2. Yes, I do space-time research, but that doesn't mean I know how to get you out of your timeshare contract.

'How was your holiday?' - 'Fantastic! Great weather! Great food! No illness!' - 'So, back to work tomorrow, then?' - 'Yeah, I guess so.' - 'Lousy, germ free holiday.'

"My online account predicts the things I should own, then buys them with my credit card. It�s very convenient, but I do now need to move to a larger house."

'Good news. Your cholesterol has stayed the same, but the research findings have changed.'

"So, you want me to go all the way back to the kitchen just to get you a menu...? Couldn't I just give you a link to our, online menu?!"

A holiday at home

'OK. Lose weight, stop smoking, get fit, get a better job, spend more time with the kids, cut back on the booze, be better with money and buy a speed boat.'

Excess Baggage: Sooner or later all those vacation bills come due.

Travel looks strong!

'Are we there yet! Are we there yet! Are we there yet!'

Excess Baggage: Some folks believe that calories consumed during vacation do not count against your diet.

School holidays

'Do you think I need to eat less. Do you have a book you could recommend to tell me how?'

"What already?! You're the one who told me I needed professional help."

'Looks like this part of the beach has been claimed.'

"Let's go on vacation, get disappointed, complain about prices, read terrible novels, buy trashy souvenirs, miss the dog and look forward to coming home."

"Mine's camper."

"Better lose the hat people are staring."

Perfection

"I think we should give day camp a chance, Adrian. Let's not become prisoners of our own dogma."

A man takes a selfie with an Egyptian mummy

The Undeniable Spirit of Tourists

"Have you packed everything into your smartphone?"

"Do we need change? That's a $100 bill for a $53 check, Mr. Presumptuous."

'Cut back on the women and song. You can still have the wine though.'

"Stuffing your face while watching TV does cause obesity."

'Another artisanal B&B.'

"As the owner of a hotel chain, I found being shipwrecked quite a challenge."

Big RV Camping

'So we lost your luggage -- You still have your health, don't you?'

"Your results show you have the body of a young man, unfortunately it's an very obese young man with chronic health problems."

'For the life of me I can't see how cooking over a fire, bathing under a spigot and sleeping on the ground can be fun!'

Reality Wagon Train

"And tonight we’re offering 5-1 odds on a kitchen strike."

"Sorry son, I rented out your room to backpackers on Airbnb."