Urban Survival Strategist Gifts

"The main thing you've got to do, kid, is establish customer loyalty."

"Forget five-year plans. Let's just figure out how to make it to lunch."

'Don't think of it as being a yes man, think of it as being an employed man.'

A desert island with a knotted palm tree

"He loves his leaf blower."

65 Million Years Ago

Commutobile

"My dream is to have a little house and a white picket fence wired with explosives."

"This city is becoming unlivable."

'I was thinking-what if the tide's OUT?'

'I hate evolution!'

Prepper Dog

'Every year local authorities whinge on about needing more money to maintain services.'

Hard Hat Area/Hard Nosed Area.

"Why can't we just have a normal home security system like the neighbours."

The trap

"When the heck did leaf blowers become grass blowers?!"

"You will note that their ability to comprehend, assess and process information increases dramatically when Professor Podhertz throws in the cat."

"Did you order takeout?"

"Just junk mail."

'Why can't I park it here? I'm just getting my moneys worth.'

"Well, they're circling counter-clockwise, so we must be in the southern hemisphere."

"I know the schools are great, but is this really the house we want to ride out the apocalypse in?"

"My neighborhood is getting too noisy. Traffic, screaming kids, barking dogs … I'm used to living in quiet desperation."

'Michelle, this is your brother, Paul, do you copy? Over...Paul to Michelle, do you read me?...'

"Randy, if you were stranded on an island, what's the one book you'd want to have along with you?" "Easy: Blood Meridian by Cormac McCarthy. It's got the perfect heft to knock coconuts out of trees." "Well, I'd like to have How to Get Off an Island, by Archie Macguyver." "That title's actually a metaphor for overcoming shyness." "We really should have our own book review show."

Grim Reaper walks through an urban environment wearing a gas mask.

'Some more great camouflage of the insect world.'

'No thank you, I'm on a diet: I've noticed that the fat ones disappear first...'

Rashomon of West 84th Street

'I think it's for compliance with some Federal safety regulation.'

'Another one. Do you realize that will make the third time this month we've held a fire drill?'

'It isn't just you, Wally. We've all been put on the endangered species list.'

'...and why does it have to be MY shirt we use as a sail?'

Come with me. Things are tough around here and somebody may want to eat you.