Unexpected Gift Giver Gifts

'Actually, no-one's retiring or getting married this week - it's just that I can't kick the habit.'

'-with every bottle comes our free Jujitsu course!'

"Cheers! Well, this is exciting. I've never had a dinner date with a duck before." "Relax, honey. I'm just here for the bread."

"But he had a mask and I thought he was a burglar."

"And at no extra charge I can give your old suit a Viking funeral."

"Happy Anniversary, dear! It's a gold spray-painted macaroni necklace."

"'How We Die' - fabulous!"

"Gift"

That must be my computer date... (Answers door to robot).

"Shouldn't have, you really."

This year Mike decides to make his own Valentine's cards.

'We may need to remove your spleen because it might not be doing whatever it is the spleen does.'

My therapist cured me of using humour as a defense...these days I pack a .45.

'And it comes with oven mitts, butter, sour cream and chives.'

'Darling, I want you to have this lock of my hair to remind you how much I love you.'

"It's not a moustache kiddo: It's nasal hair..."

"Recycled, Wayne, we'd prefer 'recycled'."

'Hand these out to the workforce.'

Cow Christmas anxiety dreams!

WC problem.

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Quicksand Swamp - Cheap Burial Plots.

"The party was a total surprise! Everybody jumped out and screamed 'Happy Birthday' just as I was licking my balls!"

'You did want him wrapped, didn't you?'

Frankenstein's Monster receiving birthday present.

'Nothing from the Nobel Committee or the National Endowment for the Arts, but 'Joe' wants you to write some napkins for his bar.'

'I'd be more impressed that you bought me flowers if you didn't take a job as a delivery boy to get the employee discount.'

"I'm looking for something that the recipient will be too embarrassed to regift."

'I did say we were going to give you transport...I didn't say what sort!'

Masky Christmas!

'One more thing -- My Dad says that if you bring me one more 'Alvin and the Chipmunks' tape, he'll rip off your beard and set fire to it.'

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