Twilight Humor Buffs Pillows

"I just stood up and nothing hurt... Am I dead?"

Life is for the birds.

"Just give me your wallet. Trust me, you do not want to deal with my misplaced sense of entitlement."

Cord cutter

God not-too-happy with the Humans sticking a 'Closing DOWN Sale!' sign on planet Earth

'Well, now we know why Dracula's been getting all the girls lately.'

"I love this time of day."

Blind man walking a tortoise.

'Due to government surveillance, is my allowance taxable?'

"She's a miniature."

Coming Soon! More Stuff You Could Live Without!

"It's trickle down."

Standard & Poor

"It's either the Ten Commandments or the Mueller Report."

Centaur for Disease Control Says Wear a Mask

Fat Kid 14- Gets re-animated

"It's okay. I love hopping in bags!"

"Absolutely, Senator, in my mind it was always my country first, and obscene profits second."

'I'm afraid we can't deliver your baby until your CRB check comes through.'

"Mr. Pope, please give this summons to your boss. The prosecutor wants to know how god can allow so much misery."

"Neversource"

Hudibras - 2 - The manner how he sallies forth.

"And, for insurance purposes, you must buy insurance."

'Everybody from Liverpool's a comedian.'

'My diagnostic software is acting up. It says you are pregnant.'

'Call Me Old-Fashioned, But I Liked It Better When They Didn't Shave Their Armpits.'

'Why would a just God allow so many teenage vampire movies?'

'Are you free at the moment?'

Recipes for comfort drinks.

"You're on 'Ask Sadie.' What's your problem?!" "I want to go back to work." "But my son is still so young. I'd have to send him to preschool or day care. And then most of my salary would go to pay for that. So what should I do?" "You should do what we did in my day: Have six more kids and then let them all fend for themselves!" "If your eldest isn't a strong leader, it may get a little 'Lord of the Flies'-ish, but that builds character!" "...in the survivors."

"These days they prefer to harass me on twitter."

"An appointment? Let's see... She could fit you in before breakfast TV, or after lunch on Radio Two, or between Radio Four afternoon and the Drive Home SHow..."

'So what if few limp-wristed girlie men think we're too extreme!'