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CHANNEL THIRTEEN TAKES ON THE NETWORKS

'Due to a shakeup at network headquarters, this is the Evening News with Fred the Janitor....'

'In response to viewer requests, we're replacing Andy Rooney tonight with 'A few Minutes with Some Famous Bimbo'....'

"How do I know God is not real? For the same reason I know people on TV can't see me."

"And just like that, e got rid of Florida."

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Sen. Krupt. I don't tell constituents that we're fueling inflation. I say we're protecting consumers and thanks to us they won't have to worry about buying any cheap stuff.

'The History Channel is all reruns.'

"And when the canyon fills up, that's it; herd immunity."

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"Now, how can I be of assistance?"

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Come in, minion. What's up, boss? I'm writing a novel. It's a thriller about an intrepid caf

Torturing the English Language

'I've decided to step down as your CEO in order to spend more time in jail...'

"Would you say that the sales projections in your 3 year plan are realistic?"

reincarnated worm...

The height of fashion in 1796

"If we only used bigger clubs we would defeat our enemies every time, and we would dominate them forever!"

"We're looking for that perfect blend of vision, ambition and ethical ambiguity."

Needed Inventions: An Airbag To Protect The Viewer Against A Really Lousy Program.

"We don't care about his nose. We won't let him play because he's not vaccinated and won't wear a mask!"

"I don't like the looks of that!"

"Really? They're now giving out non-participation trophies?"

"Let's say you've always wanted to make someone a mixtape to show them how much you care about them. What's the best order? Do you start with songs about how rich you are before moving on to the songs about love? Or vice versa?. . .What order would best simulate sincerity?"

"We're suing you under equal opportunities legislation for failure to represent our rights"

"The document states that you've been left your mother's jowls and upper arm flab."

'The world already ended, but the government hushed it up.'

'Negotiations have reached an impasse, legal recommends we resort to violence.'

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This condition could be hereditary - does stupidity run in your family?

The americanisation of vulture.

"I thought there would be bacon here."

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