Turkey Laugher Pillows

"You haven't seen any turkeys around here, have you?!"

"I warned you not to use that club...now look, you struck oil!"

Alas poor Daisy, I knew her well!

"And when you realized it was the wrong tree, why do you think you kept barking up it?"

"It's not safe to keep meeting like this."

"Eureka!!" "Guess again, Einstein."

'It's funny - I'm a Bourbon, but I've always preferred Scotch.'

'As a boss you'll find me hard, but fair. Actually, that's only half true.'

"It's a smart toaster. If you can't figure it out, press the 'Dumb It Down' button."

"Here's the problem. Your computer isn't obsolete, you are."

'That was so funny. I haven't booed that loudly in years.'

'Never go berry pickin' on an empty stomach.'

"I don't care how it's pronounced, I want it."

"A cashier told me to have a nice day and I didn't. Am I liable or can I sue her?"

"Oh, I'm sorry, Berger. I must have accidentally pressed the 'Sycophant' button."

The Gingerbread Man's cousin, the hash cookie man.

'I said, I think I know whey you're finding it lonely at the top.'

Jim's Mowing Services

Bad Ant Joke

"I did follow my bliss. It wandered around in circles and then ended up at an Arby's in Hoboken."

'What kind of person would tell his best friend to go and fetch his stinky old slippers?'

'Near Thanksgiving she always takes her animal rights work a little too far.'

"I thought you said you were watching your weight!"

"How am I supposed to guide the sleigh with this mask on?"

'It's a tweet from heaven. They say if we don't stop watching them, they're going to tell God.'

You did what? I posted your last will and testament on all the social networks. Now everyone knows you left your feminine hygiene products to the Smithsonian. Why would you do that you @#$%^?! Ugly picture taken. Posting to Facebook … now. Well-played, cretin.

'We're looking for a mother figure.'

Q. U. E.. F. The only time I know when they've been apart is when he was in "Iraq."

"You're the only one I know stilling calling people 'Uber' this and 'Uber' that."

"Any advance on 'cat wazz'?

'I can't get this laptop to work.'

"I love Fallon, but what's this 'late-night television' thing?"

"Yes, they offer free delivery. But when an on-line seller laughs, does their belly shake like a bowl full of jelly?"

'Never ever will I move by train again.'

"I only read half of it."