Turkey Laugher Pillows

"You haven't seen any turkeys around here, have you?!"

"I warned you not to use that club...now look, you struck oil!"

Alas poor Daisy, I knew her well!

"And when you realized it was the wrong tree, why do you think you kept barking up it?"

"It's not safe to keep meeting like this."

"Eureka!!" "Guess again, Einstein."

'It's funny - I'm a Bourbon, but I've always preferred Scotch.'

"Here's the problem. Your computer isn't obsolete, you are."

'As a boss you'll find me hard, but fair. Actually, that's only half true.'

"It's a smart toaster. If you can't figure it out, press the 'Dumb It Down' button."

'That was so funny. I haven't booed that loudly in years.'

'Never go berry pickin' on an empty stomach.'

"I don't care how it's pronounced, I want it."

"Oh, I'm sorry, Berger. I must have accidentally pressed the 'Sycophant' button."

"A cashier told me to have a nice day and I didn't. Am I liable or can I sue her?"

Jim's Mowing Services

'I said, I think I know whey you're finding it lonely at the top.'

The Gingerbread Man's cousin, the hash cookie man.

'What kind of person would tell his best friend to go and fetch his stinky old slippers?'

'Near Thanksgiving she always takes her animal rights work a little too far.'

Bad Ant Joke

"I did follow my bliss. It wandered around in circles and then ended up at an Arby's in Hoboken."

"I thought you said you were watching your weight!"

'We're looking for a mother figure.'

"You're the only one I know stilling calling people 'Uber' this and 'Uber' that."

"How am I supposed to guide the sleigh with this mask on?"

"Any advance on 'cat wazz'?

"I love Fallon, but what's this 'late-night television' thing?"

'I love a bit of classic 70's comedy.'

"Yes, they offer free delivery. But when an on-line seller laughs, does their belly shake like a bowl full of jelly?"

'Never ever will I move by train again.'

"I only read half of it."