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Rudy, you can't meet with the Russians. It'll be a disaster of epic proportions. How so? What could possibly go wrong? There are always unintended consequences with Russia. It was summer of 1988. I was a teenager on a one-man goodwill tour across the Soviet Union. Just me, my Harley and my leather jacket ... that is, until I visited the Kremlin. Let's just say I rode the last few thousand miles of that journey with a beautiful older blonde named Irina clinging to my back. Her father Mikhail was

'What zip code are we in now?'

'Hold on, I'll get the camera.'

"Now you've seen the bust how about letting me see Naples?"

"Recalculating route..."

'Are we there yet?'

Cash Machines From Across the Land

"Only one pailful? Did they have water restrictions like we do?"

"Could you tell me how to get to cedar grove, New Jersey? I want to see where my grandfather was born."

'You want a quick read? How about this one: 'Memoirs of an Amnesic'?'

"But if you leave New Orleans, you'll be just another sandwich."

'I thought this was supposed to be a holiday.'

"I'm heading north but these days it just seems easier to walk."

"Ah...here they are!"

Excess Baggage: Airlines are constantly working on new seating configurations.

"And so another trip comes to an end...with family brought closer together by a shared experience."

Airplane food

'Are we there yet?'

How I Spent My Summer Vacation: Page One

"If we'd gone South for the winter, we'd be back by now."

'Mom! Do they have traffic lights and stop signs in the sky?'

Football Game Tickets. These seats are so far from the field we'll need a passport to get to them!

'Straight on, you can't miss it.'

"AS a matter of fact, yes, you have told me you vacationed on Earth."

"During our vacation my wife and I went to Paris while our suitcases went to Rome and Athens."

Face it, Bob, we're lost. Welcome to Faceitbobwe'relost pop. 2.

'I wouldn't be so concerned if they weren't already sitting in the exit row.'

"He keeps touching me!"

"Can't fool me, Jake, there's a coach comin' in!"

"I cleaned out the RV. We accumulated a lot stuff since we started RVing..."

Red riding hood giving the wolf a complex

'I ran as fast as I could, but I still couldn't catch the Gingerbread Man...'

"I know what the airlines charge to check a bag is outrageous, but. . ."

"This next song is about a trip to Vermont. It's called 'This is the whitest state I've ever seen—wow!'"

"Don't we like the Brothers Grimm anymore?"