Transactional Humorist Gifts

"But what is money? Why does it have value? Who gives it value? What is value?"

'We invest so much money in training staff...it's a mystery to me why businesses would risk losing them.'

"So, we look to the fourth quarter as a time of healing."

'It's a deal, lets sniff bottoms!'

"I keep feeling we should float the company"

Entering the Business Community: Assets/Liabilities

"This report is mumbo jumbo...I asked for gobbledeeegook!"

"Any questions?"

"The following program was made possible by fluctuations in the random chaos of the Universe...."

"We're pleased to announce that your company has shrewdly traded a cow for some magic beans." some ma

Will work for ETFs

"Delegating authority is good. Delegating blame is better."

'Gentlemen, I've been authorized to sweeten the offer.'

"In the event of an actual S.E.C. investigation, legal representation will drop from the ceiling."

'Yes, all at once!'

'We earn extra money by renting out your office at night.'

'You'll get five paid sick days, plus an additional two when you're shedding your skin.'

"The Capt'n maintains a balanced portfolio should include a number of off-shore accounts."

"Wake up Thomas, it's not 2020. There's no Zoom camera to turn off to hide yourself."

The number one injury in today's workplace: severe bends caused by repeated exposure to deep-dive presentations.

"What if, instead of the safe being filled with rawhide, it's filled with catnip and mice!" "No one will buy it." "Drugs and rodents? Who's our demographic?" "The Simpsons already did that."

"Hire a cost cutting, bad-guy consultant to turn me into a good guy during the layoffs."

"I'd like to thank my parents and my creditors for making this possible."

'Ho,ho,ho, but can you be more specific?'

"The anger management consultant said he wasn't going to alter his **** dates at this t****stage which fits in with the 'managing change' consultant who said it was to late to change her plans..."

"The numbers don't lie . . . but we do."

'On the plus side we've saved money by getting all the numbers on one graph.'

"Call security, Miss Rightman. I have an overwhelming urge to throw good money after bad"

"Might you explain to me how your division managed to spend twenty-six thousand dollars on tennis balls?"

"When the company announced that they're gonna move our retirement accounts down to Mexico, I was like '401 Que Pasa?'"

'The reason I like this guy's stock picks is, he's not burdened by having any experience in finance whatsoever.'