Transactional Humorist Gifts

"But what is money? Why does it have value? Who gives it value? What is value?"

'We invest so much money in training staff...it's a mystery to me why businesses would risk losing them.'

"So, we look to the fourth quarter as a time of healing."

'It's a deal, lets sniff bottoms!'

"I keep feeling we should float the company"

Entering the Business Community: Assets/Liabilities

"This report is mumbo jumbo...I asked for gobbledeeegook!"

"Any questions?"

"We're pleased to announce that your company has shrewdly traded a cow for some magic beans." some ma

"Delegating authority is good. Delegating blame is better."

Satya Nutella

"The following program was made possible by fluctuations in the random chaos of the Universe...."

Will work for ETFs

'Gentlemen, I've been authorized to sweeten the offer.'

"In the event of an actual S.E.C. investigation, legal representation will drop from the ceiling."

'...and so you see our profits, not unlike Sir Isaac Newton, have felt the effects of gravity.'

'Yes, all at once!'

'We earn extra money by renting out your office at night.'

"You can all unroll yourselves now. We're heading back up."

"Perhaps this slide whistle can better illustrate what this graph is telling us."

"I'd like to thank my parents and my creditors for making this possible."

"The Capt'n maintains a balanced portfolio should include a number of off-shore accounts."

'You'll get five paid sick days, plus an additional two when you're shedding your skin.'

Atomic Bear: Part 21

"What if, instead of the safe being filled with rawhide, it's filled with catnip and mice!" "No one will buy it." "Drugs and rodents? Who's our demographic?" "The Simpsons already did that."

"Wake up Thomas, it's not 2020. There's no Zoom camera to turn off to hide yourself."

"Hire a cost cutting, bad-guy consultant to turn me into a good guy during the layoffs."

The number one injury in today's workplace: severe bends caused by repeated exposure to deep-dive presentations.

'Ho,ho,ho, but can you be more specific?'

"The anger management consultant said he wasn't going to alter his **** dates at this t****stage which fits in with the 'managing change' consultant who said it was to late to change her plans..."

"The numbers don't lie . . . but we do."

'On the plus side we've saved money by getting all the numbers on one graph.'

'The reason I like this guy's stock picks is, he's not burdened by having any experience in finance whatsoever.'

'And finally. . . where do you see yourself on the food chain 5 years from now?'

"Might you explain to me how your division managed to spend twenty-six thousand dollars on tennis balls?"