Track Detective Gifts

"Honey, check it out — giant porcupine tracks."

"I need to tinkle."

Running

STRIP Hambone: Fix it yourself

'Mark my word, Walters, this is no ordinary virus.'

Only 1 calorie per serving: One million servings per can.

We have a problem with your research. We're Encyclopedia Britannica and you're Wikipedia.

Extra Long-jump

By the year 2500, 1 in 10 academics will devote their entire career to divining the meaning of the word 'sussudio'.

"Honesty, I saw a train yesterday"

Children playing percussion instruments.

I spy with my little eye in the sky …

"If you look at Lexington Avenue, it is anyone's guess what's happening on the 6 train. Moving on to Broadway, I can tell you that the N and R Lines may or may not be running smoothly, while the Eighth Avenue A and C are, as always, a complete mystery."

'Are you sure we're on the right track?'

Processed foods, unprocessed foods.

'It appears that 'reduced fat' means high fat, 'lo-fat' means plenty of fat, and 'fat-free' means some fat.'

"This is nothing. You should have been with us last year at Fifty-third and Lex."

'Dinosaur footprints!'

Today, this humble feature attempts to answer one of the great quandaries of modern times. Is it Louie Louie, oh baby, my hair gotta grow? Wrong! What are the lyrics to the Kingsman's Louie Louie?* *Must be gleaned by listening. No peeking on the internet!

'D.N.A. tests show that the fuel pump doesn't belong to this car.'

"How's this? 'Employee grants to Company, throughout the universe, the omniverse, including all fictional universes of parallel universes yet to be discovered...'"

'What were you saying a minute ago, about not being able to judge a wine by its label?'

"This stuff comes with a prize! If you can pronounce all the ingredients, you get an honorary degree in chemistry."

Roseanne4

'This soup must be loaded with additives. The label says that 'frequent use of this product requires periodic liver function tests'.'

Health food and junk food

Spyware is easy to see, if you know where to look.

So which is it? Baseball or Lacrosse? For baseball, I've gotta get a glove, uniform and shoes, for about $200. For lacrosse, I need gloves, helmet, chest protector, uniform and stick, for $350. Hmm

"Artificial coloring, artificial flavoring, artificial glop, artificial slop, artificial this, artificial that..."

'Do you remember when food had food in it?'

You're so lucky, my stripes make me look fat.

Food Formerly Sold As Milk/Food Formerly Made with Sugar/Food Formerly Known as Meat/Food Former Fried.

'It seems they couldn't decide if the new millennium begins at 3000 B.C. or 3001 B. C.'

-Last again! -I had to stay behind the others because I didn't know the way!

Peeping Drone