Tony Awards Gifts

"There's nothing like a dame!"

"Did you know that when my mom played soccer, only the winner got a trophy?"

"I'm beginning to think that buy one, get one free is not always a good thing."

'Gosh, really? You've never been on any reality show at all?'

'Guess who netted it.'

Gymnasts falling off the winners pedestal.

Fishing Boat Derby

"It's touching, actually, to see white dudes fumble around for a few last moments in the spotlight."

First Prize!

"If you get married at the Grammy Awards, can your marriage be annulled at the Country Music Awards?"

"I'd like to thank my family, but, to be honest, I'm pretty sure I could've done it without them."

'There goes Finley...turning pro.'

An angry Shark has finally found the person who has his missing Jaws and teeth being mounted as a trophy

Oscars

'I want to thank my biological and surrogate Mother, my two Dads.. .'

'I believe you were first.'

A woman bows to the crowd

"Nominations for best skinny mad white dude goes to..."

Man reads from card at awards ceremony: 'And the award for Best Actress goes to ...'

'Congratulations on winning Weather Forecaster of the Year, you rotten swine!'

"You bet I had it mounted, it gave me the best fight of my life."

"The first prize goes to WIlbur Van Zick who slept with nine out ten members of the jury. The second prize with eight members goes to..."

"First, I'd like to thank the Academy."

Ms. Walsh, I'll be unavailable today...I'm spending it with my ego wall.

An Inconcievable, Inexcusable, Incomprehensible Truth.

"And that one I tagged with a flamethrower from ten yards."

"It was just that one time that you won the Nobel Prize, wasn't it, dear?"

"Oh look, how utterly ridiculous - you're on the honours list!"

'I didn't get re-elected, but I won an Emmy for my campaign promises!'

Abductee of the Month

Country Hits

Annual Awards Ceremony: "This is my favourite time of year, when we celebrate our achievements!"

"As a way of expressing our thanks, we offer this modest honorarium."

Oppenheimer Bafta