Tony Awards Gifts

"There's nothing like a dame!"

"Did you know that when my mom played soccer, only the winner got a trophy?"

'Gosh, really? You've never been on any reality show at all?'

"I'm beginning to think that buy one, get one free is not always a good thing."

"I'm telling you, she's the best in her field."

'Guess who netted it.'

Gymnasts falling off the winners pedestal.

Fishing Boat Derby

First Prize!

"If you get married at the Grammy Awards, can your marriage be annulled at the Country Music Awards?"

"It's touching, actually, to see white dudes fumble around for a few last moments in the spotlight."

"I'd like to thank my family, but, to be honest, I'm pretty sure I could've done it without them."

Oscars

'There goes Finley...turning pro.'

An angry Shark has finally found the person who has his missing Jaws and teeth being mounted as a trophy

'I want to thank my biological and surrogate Mother, my two Dads.. .'

"Nominations for best skinny mad white dude goes to..."

Man reads from card at awards ceremony: 'And the award for Best Actress goes to ...'

A woman bows to the crowd

'I believe you were first.'

'He's won an exotic holiday to Easter Island and it's gone straight to his head.'

"You bet I had it mounted, it gave me the best fight of my life."

'Congratulations on winning Weather Forecaster of the Year, you rotten swine!'

"The first prize goes to WIlbur Van Zick who slept with nine out ten members of the jury. The second prize with eight members goes to..."

"First, I'd like to thank the Academy."

Ms. Walsh, I'll be unavailable today...I'm spending it with my ego wall.

An Inconcievable, Inexcusable, Incomprehensible Truth.

"And that one I tagged with a flamethrower from ten yards."

"Oh look, how utterly ridiculous - you're on the honours list!"

"It was just that one time that you won the Nobel Prize, wasn't it, dear?"

Country Hits

Abductee of the Month

'I didn't get re-elected, but I won an Emmy for my campaign promises!'

Annual Awards Ceremony: "This is my favourite time of year, when we celebrate our achievements!"

"As a way of expressing our thanks, we offer this modest honorarium."