Tongue-in-cheek Swordsmen Pillows

'I'm not sure about all the rules, but when you fence with girls you're allowed to try to poke them in the boobs.'

"First I drink, then I barbecue — that's my secret."

Robinson decided to name him 'Casual Friday'.

Nobody mourned Sir Dad-Joke.

Shakespeare's Lost Play: The Taming of the Pooch.

Procrastinators Incorporated

'Marriage? With all your pre-existing conditions Reggie, my HMO would never approve of you'

'Economic indicators are down, but cheer up! The history revisionists will turn this into 'the good old days'...'

"It's not just me, Dad. Amazon.com has never made a cent, either."

'I'm fairly certain it's, what we call in the medical profession, a 'snake'.'

"I appreciate you asking for directions. But how reliable is 'Just follow your nose!' from a toucan?"

"Hail to thee, blithe spirit!"

'Great now put the company logo on the togas and make the building in back look like the Parthenon.'

Husband / Wife / On The Side

'This service has been brought back in house and outsourced numerous times, I propose that as the contract is up for renewal again we consider 'shaking it all about''

Having asked for some 'bruisers' to bruise oats for feeding horses, Mr. Haycock gets sent the 'Whitechaple Chicken' and the 'Bayswater Slasher'

Roman Golfer.

"Seriously...girls have their own language!"

'May I recommend the ketchup '06,sir?'

"No Bald Games"

"He decided to write a travel book..."

"I'm sorry you decided to leave us! I will really miss your wife at our company parties!"

The Cheshire Dog.

"Bitch."

"He's busy cross-training. He's drinking with his left hand."

"I bet if it hadn't smoked, it'd still be alive."

"Don’t you dare talk to your father in all caps young lady!"

"We've travelled the world looking for our next C.E.O., as was foretold in our corporate legends. We think your little Tim might be that C.E.O."

"Come on and pay for the shopping like a man."

"The way I look at it, drinking alcohol may never solve anything. . . but neither did drinking milk!"

Tommy, I have a question for you. I didn't do nothin'. We're missing a scone. Now, no one's accusing you of anything. I swear, you've got the wrong guy. I definitely didn't take a scone when you went to check email because I was super hungry. You have the right to remain silent. I did it!

As you know by now know, we received dozens of replies to our request for suggestions to rename Rudy Park's generation. Today, we announce the third-place runners-up. That selection goes to a handful of readers who deemed Rudy's peer group Generation E for entitlement or entitled. Thoughts? I thought he E referred to easy to saddle with the deficit, you cheapskate curmudgeons! What do you think of that?! Solid retort. But we though enough to give it third place. Tomorrow: Our runners-up are anno

"Why feel bad? We do actually need to eat, and they'll never even know there was a twin."

'The gentleman would like to buy you a drink if you'll follow him on twitter, and I'd be really grateful if you didn't explain what that means.'

'Look, just because I work for you, doesn't mean that I like you sir.'