Tired Feet Club Pillows

'Let's switch sides. My feet are killing me.'

'My feet are killing me.'

'The dripping keeps me awake!'

'Insomniacs anonymous.'

"Blast it, Perkins, not again!"

'You are pigeon toed.'

"Oh please, go on, just for the weekend."

'It's ironic really. We love kids most when they are unconscious!'

Human Error and Computer Error.

'Either switch off his batteries or take 'em out!'

Inventing the wheel, hitchhiking.

"It's either "Bring your kid to work" day or it's "Drop of handbag in kindergarten" day today?"

'For God's sake, Tom, just let her cry - I can't stand your singing any longer.'

"If you can't sleep you may as well be productive and guard the meth lab."

'You must've really been tired last night. You put the diaper on the dog.'

'That little fella has quite a burp on him!'

You DID hit a nerve, doctor!'

'Once I gave a sucker an even break. It ruined my whole day.'

'You're in luck. I think we have a pair of boots that size. I'll see if I can find them.'

"Yeah, it's not cheap. But Big Pharma's depending on you."

"I tho tired."

"What do you do when you can't sleep?"

Sneezing

'Your father used to want a night out with the boys, but now he's satisfied with a few minutes with Andy Rooney.'