Timing Blunder Humorist Pillows

"I didn't get the timings quite right, the meat will be ready next Thursday."

'You wanted a speedy trial, so I'm sentencing you to a swift kick.'

'This is your lucky day!'

Time management office worker

'I told you you were missing a decimal point in you dynamite calculations.'

"Wait ... now I forgot what I was going to bark at you for."

'Boy, plastic flowers these days are so lifelike: I've been fooled again...'

"You can count on my unloading the dishwasher in any number of alternate timelines. Now whether it occurs in this one..."

A Not So Grand Slam.

"This next one's a sad little number I call, 'I left my guitar on the F train.'"

'How was my emergency stop?'

'Sorry I'm late. I woke up on my back, and you know how turtles are.'

Freak Accident Specialist

Cotton candy

"And do you get a shooting pain between your eyes?"

'It doesn't work...'

"And hold the mayo."

'He's so unlucky that he gets into accidents that started happening to someone else.'

'Number of days since last accident' a man is falling off of ladder while trying to post numbers...

'Sorry about that, guys! OK! So when do we launch?'

"Well done!"

"Oh, no - this introvert talked to me all night at a party, and I can't remember her name."

Prehistoric Pizza Delivery

Horror film

"I'm late! I'm late! For a very important - we're not putting labels on it right now!"

'Do you believe those idiots in HR screwed up our uniforms again?'

"But neighbor Schultz get ten." "Our toon get two likes." "Good grief."

'Turn the camera off! Turn off the web cam!'

Dinosaur crossing sign.

'Actually, my name is Gord Zilla...they got it wrong on my birth certificate!'

'-and the look on his face when you overtook him in the Car Wash!'

Mobile library.

Banana Warning

'It's bad enough that you dropped your end of the stretcher, but did you have to yell 'BOMBS AWAY'?'

'Sylvia? It's Allen. Listen, I accidentally left the shop with a knee ligament kit...Yeah, yeah, I know. I am an idiot. Anyway, could you send someone out pronto with the kit for rotator cuffs?'