Thrifty Humorist Pillows

"No, this isn't low temperature physics. He's just too cheap to turn on the heat."

"Please ... let me get a new hair dryer!"

"It's an invitation to your brother's second wedding and even the stamp has been used again!"

"Just another 50 decibels on your grunt and we can start to think about letting you hit a few balls!"

'Okay, is there anybody else whose homework ate their dog?'

'It appears he hit an iceberg.' (A LETTUCE)

A tortoise toboggans down a hill in its shell

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

'Thou shalt not steal...except for bases.'

'He's a superior breed - He always drinks thru' a straw!'

"Walk, hell- I gotta dance."

'But you know I don't have brand loyalty for anyone but you!'

"Go ahead. Press one for more options."

"I don't know what else we can do. He won't look up from the screen!"

'He attained Nirvana in two weeks? - he's GOTTA be using steroids!'

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

Glance Exchange

"Do you see that inexplicably beautiful hydrangea over there?… Nature calls."

"She likes to be included, so I told her the tea is called 'Squirrel Grey.'"

"How about a hand."

"As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from restless dreams, transformed into a monstrous vermin, he thought to himself: never again bourbon and tequila in the same night, and this time, I mean it."

Competitive Eating Competition Competitive Vomiting Competition,

STRIP God' s dog urinating on planet Earth

"It's just a tree."

'This is a wind-up, isn't it?'

Self Help / Elf Help.

'You can't come in here with that.'

"I cross the road to forget."

'The Lemming Book Store'

Spiro & Pusho illusionists

'We have a P-O-P display for our new perfume. Can we move the beef jerky down a smidge?'

Man in Therapist office sees a sign: Therapy Is Expensive Bubble Wrap Is Cheap You Decide

'Still have gas problems, Mr. Quigley?'

One Painting Says To the Other... 'Do you ever get that creepy feeling like they are watching you.'